What I Know

Just over 13 years ago, in May 1998, the Conference in this part of our vast country saw fit to ordain me to a ministry of Word, Sacrament and Pastoral Care.

That warm day in May was the coming together of many years of study, CPE, verbatims *shudder*, reading assignments, final papers, internships, a valedictory address, a graduation, a degree, and too many interviews to count. But those were only the practical parts of all that led to that moment of ordination.

The other part is much more difficult to articulate. Hours, days, weeks, months and years of personal spiritual discernment took place before, through, and following all of the above. I don't think anyone ever told me that discernment in ministry was a discipline that would never end. It was not a process that began with a spiritual nudge that said, "Hm. Ministry? Seriously God?" and ended with an alb and stole. Discernment is an ongoing dynamic in ministry.



Here's something I know: If you don't have days when you wonder if being a librarian might have been a wiser choice than congregational ministry, you're probably doing a good job of avoiding the deepest challenges of ministry. No offense intended. There's nothing really wrong with that.

It just means that scripture implies that you need to dig a bit deeper. It's sort of like a workout - if you're too comfortable, you need to step it up. There is servanthood undone and it needs to be done. I think a guy named Jesus said something like that a long time ago....he really did not call his disciples to a life of comfort and ease. I also know that this very thing is what makes finding a healthy balance of life and life in ministry one of the greatest challenges of all.

Here are a few other things I know....

1. On October 1, 2001 I led worship for the first time at Little Church on the Corner.

2. On October 2, 2011, ten years later, in the same sanctuary, I led worship again.

3. It is hard to believe that ten years have passed!

4. A dear friend mentioned the occasion in celebration time. Thank you!

5. I know that in these ten years I have given LCotC everything that could have possibly been given by any mere mortal. I have done ministry through physical pain, through times of great joy (Affirming!!) and times of discernment and challenge for our church family. I continue to do so with the best leadership skills I can muster, pain or no pain.

6. I know that there have been many times when ministry has trumped my personal physical health, my time with friends and family, and my capacity to recall bizarre concepts such as "fun."

7. I know that I would do it all over again.

8. I know that I love my church and the people in my congregation. They are my spiritual family in the best sense of the word. Our church family is special.

9. I don't really expect them to understand me anymore, though at times I still secretly wish for it, sort of as one might wish that hobbits were real and second-breakfast would not apply itself directly to one's thighs.

10. I know that only a small number of people in my church truly understand what I do between Sundays.

11. I know that those are the people who have over the years invited me to stand on the holy ground of their greatest joys and deepest tragedies. These are the people who called in the night so that at least one person in the hospital room would not be crying from a place within them so deep and full of hurt that until that night they did not know they could even survive it. They needed me to be the person to bring, if nothing else, a symbol of hope to a seemingly hopeless situation.

12. I know that it is simply wrong to hold a baby shower before a child is born. Just. Wrong. No one will ever convince me otherwise.

13. I know that I can put on my "game face" and get through even the most difficult funeral and work through my own grief on my own time.

14. I know that is no small task, and I'm good at it.

15. I know that the longer I am the pastor of LCotC, the more difficult the funerals will become.

16. I know that I am up to that challenge. One of the most important parts of my ministry is preparation for the celebration of someone's life. I can make a mistake of some kind on a Sunday morning and make it right the following week, but I have ONE, and only one, opportunity to do right by someone who has lived a life on this earth. And every single person's life is worth celebrating simply by virtue of being the life of a child of God. I know I can do right by all of these good people, because I am never alone. God is with me. Thanks be to God!

17. I know that I am a good preacher.

18. I know that I have rarely worked LESS THAN or ONLY the 40 hour week described in my terms of call. I'm pretty much always beyond 40 hours. Some weeks, I just stop counting....

19. I know that no one has ever demanded that I do so. Mostly, circumstances have done so.

20. I know that people grow when they try to accomplish things that they thought were impossible.

21. I know that it is never too late to figure out #20.

22. I know that my sabbatical this year will be good for both me and our congregation in many ways.

23. I know that our Manual says I should have already had one sabbatical already, but this will be my first.

24. I know that I will learn something, perhaps many things, on this time away from congregational ministry. At the very least, I will have a study report to bring back. I suspect I will also bring back to our church a fresh perspective, lots of creative ideas, and most definitely enthusiasm.

25. I know that there are still a few church seasons to navigate before sabbatical time, and I'm up for the task.

26. I know that these ten years have been good. Very, very good. So much of what I do is by necessity "invisible" ministry....time spent reading, praying, counseling, helping where help is needed. In the end, I suppose it doesn't matter who knows how all-encompassing such work can be - because God knows.

27. I had no idea that I knew so many things!

Actual Conversation

After worship yesterday....

* Note: announcements regarding shared worship through Holy Week have been made in church, newsletter, and power point for at least six weeks.


Me: Good morning! It's lovely to see you!

Other Person: So, you're not doing anything for Holy Week then.

Me: (showing back of worship bulletin) All of the services for the week are listed here, and the vigil sign up sheet still has a few free spaces left.

OP: No. I mean You. *You* aren't doing anything *here*.

Me: As I mentioned earlier, we're sharing services through the week with churches X, Y, Z etc.... The Good Friday service is a Cantata at X and it's going to be really great. All of the churches are taking part.

OP: *shrugs* In other words, nothing here.


Aaaaaaaaand scene.

That's one person who will not be at any shared services. And someone who will NOT be happy about the inevitable changes happening all across the church right now.

And yes......one more soul who actually believes that I only work on Sundays and that this Holy Week is like a week off for me.

That sound you hear is the sound of my head hitting the desk.

A Day in the Life

0730 - stoopid alarm clock wakes me up after about four hours of sleep. Sleep being a major issue these days, today is not unlike most work days. The lovely people at CBC Radio are probably saying something I should know about, but I don't really care. I slam my sleepy fist on the snooze button.

0739 - stoopid alarm clock taunts me again. Slam.

0748 - stoopid alarm clock taunts me again. This time the cat joins in by running her whiskers across my nose. I gently remove said cat, turn off the alarm clock and swing my legs off the bed. For a moment I stop and in my sleepy haze, give thanks for the gift of putting my feet on the floor. Not something I take for granted. Ever.

0750 - head to master bathroom to brush the teeth, wash the face, apply "Hope in a Jar" liberally, followed by "Eye Believe" - all in the vain hope that I really don't look as horrid as that Great Big Mirror is telling me. Gah!

0800 - P rolls by after turning on the coffee machine (yet another reason to love him). We console one another with a shared "Morning Bites" mumbled grunt as he heads toward his own bathroom. Thirty one years of marriage and we are still not morning people. I'm thinking we never will be.

0815 - what to wear.... This is Tuesday, so it's grey trousers, black shirt, purple sweater. I may be in a rut. Must check that out later.

0820 - Coffee. Weather Network. It's -25C today. Thank you underground parking, I heart you. P and I laugh at the "Outside the Station" weather guy from Toronto who whines every time the temperature drops below zero. He wouldn't last an hour here. We would find him curled up in fetal position in the camera van. That would be good viewing actually....

0840 - The beginning of the "I guess I should get moving" liturgy begins. P locks the door behind me at around 9:00 because heaven knows, every time I leave the condo, I must have both arms and hands full of highly necessary stuff. He tells me he loves me and to have a good day. I'm at the elevator before my brain registers all of that and I say to the elevator door "I love you too."

9:10 - I flip the light switches in the office, turn on the computer and take my coffee downstairs to check in with office admin. Not much news there and I'm clearly in her way, so it's back upstairs to work.

9:30 - Massive Loud Yawn.

9:35 - Draft two of Annual Report is actually in process. I may finish this today. Things are starting to look a bit less fuzzy, so I must be waking up.

10:00 - 12:00 - work on annual report and service for Feb 13th, with occasional stops to stretch and drink the rest of my allotted morning coffee.

1:30 - still at the office realizing that I need some lunch before I go out this afternoon.

1:45 - 3:00 - eat granola bar with water while making afternoon calls, visits, picking up of worship supplies for the 30th, and doing other minister stuff I can't share here. Or anywhere for that matter. I find it interesting that the most enriching and life-giving aspects of ministry are the very things we can't talk about. That isn't a complaint, by any means, but it does explain why people think I only work on Sundays.

3:00-ish - headache starts to register. Oh it was there at the slamming of the alarm clock, but only at about 4/10 (I know it's there but it's not interfering with my day). Now I'm reaching 7/10ish and I still have a long meeting to get through. If that 7 turns into an 8, I won't be of much use at any meeting. Realize I have nothing with me to take - not even my magic, non-rebound causing Aleve - OR my "Origins: Peace of Mind peppermint lotion." Sheesh.

4:00 - a quick stop at home for both of the above mentioned "Get me through this meeting" supplies.

4:30 - 6:30 - meeting with other groups in the city who are planning Pride Week for early June. A good, but lengthy meeting.

7:00 - dee-lish supper with P who really didn't have to wait for me to get home to eat, but he did anyway because he's just sweet that way.

7:20 - feeding of the tuna to one very hungry kitteh. (she gets a bit of tuna every night after supper)

8:00 - watching tv with the usual after-supper exchange of hot magic bag/ice pack. Watching Biggest Loser and What Not to Wear for those who are keeping score at home, but not really paying attention to either. Aleve and peppermint cream no longer effective. Time for a soak in epsom salts, then another Aleve and a Maxalt (which IS rebound-causing, but I haven't had one in a week, so I'm good).

9:20 - snoring cat behind me in her pretty princess pink cat bed. She inspires me. Computer screen getting brighter by the minute. Lights out.

And that was my Tuesday..... I hope yours was good too.

Just so you know...

.....not that I have to remind you, really.

Holding a newborn baby will clear your mind of any and all worries, concerns or troubles.

All of those worries and such are still there and still need to be attended to, but one look into that tiny face, and it can all wait.

Thanks be to God.

Irony at its best

While the General Council of the United Church was busy "re-inventing" the way the church operates by cutting social justice and youth and young adults ministries (and the jobs that went with them) from their administrative responisibilities, our humble little Presbytery was exploring real issues and doing real ministry. Go figure. Am I a bit disillusioned by the actions of the General Council? You bet. I'm doing everything I can do to try and understand these latest developments, but it's a tough project.

Do I still have faith in our church? You bet!

Why?

Because yesterday morning, in the midst of denominational chaos, the Youth conducted our worship before we all hit the road and headed home.

Our theme for the weekend was Racial Justice and human diversity. The youth closed our worhsip with this song from the Black Eyed Peas. It was awesome. Roughly 25 young people broke through the growing confusion and pain I was feeling about our national church's priorities. With their help, I saw so clearly that whatever happens in the costly high-rise offices in Toronto, a little Presbytery that most people in those offices would have trouble finding, was rocking out faith as it is meant to be. Real...Open... Meaningful, and filled with a deep yearning to make our world a better place.

In other words, the very Youth whose program and leadership has been gutted, led our Presbytery in the best worship I've experienced in a very long time.

Ironic, yes?

We are, as a church, as human critters, wherever we are and whatever we do, One Tribe.

One tri, one tri
One tribe, one time, one planet, one race
It's all one blood, don't care about your face
The color of your eye or the tone of your skin
Don't care where you are, don't care where you been

'Cause where we gonna go is where we wanna be
The place where the little language is unity
And the continent is called Pangaea
And the main ideas are connected like a sphere

No propaganda, they tried to upper hand us
'Cause man, I'm loving this peace
Man, man, I'm loving this peace
Man, man, I'm loving this peace

I don't need no leader that's gonna force feed
A concept that make me think I need to
Fear my brother and fear my sister
And shoot my neighbor or my big missile

If I had an enemy to, if I had an enemy to
If I had an enemy then my enemy is gonna try
To come and kill me 'cause I'm his enemy

There's one tribe y'all, one tribe y'all
One tribe y'all, we are one people

Let's cast amnesia, forget about all that evil
Forget about all that evil, that evil that they feed ya
Let's cast amnesia, forget about all that evil
That evil that they feed ya, remember that we're one people

We are one people
One, one, one people
One, one, one people
One, one, one people

One tribe, one tribe, one tribe, one time, one planet, one race
Race, one love, one people, one and
Too many things that's causing one to
To forget about the main cause

Connecting, uniting
But the evil is seen and alive in us
So our weapons are colliding
And our peace is sinking like Poseidon

But, we know that the one, one
The evil one is threatened by the sum, sum
So he'll come and try and separate the sum
But he dumb, he didn't know we had a way to overcome

Rejuvenated by the beating of the drum
Come together by the cycle of the hum
Freedom when all become one, one forever

One tribe y'all, one tribe y'all
One tribe y'all, we are one people

Let's cast amnesia, forget about all that evil, evil
Forget about all that evil, evil that evil that they feed ya
Let's cast amnesia, forget about all that evil, evil
That evil, that they feed ya, feed ya, remember that we're one people

We are one people
One, one, one people
One, one, one people
One, one, one people

One love, one blood, one people
One heart, one beat, we equal
Connected like the Internet
United that's how we do

Let's break walls so we see through
Let love and peace lead you
We could overcome the complication
'Cause we need to

Help each other, make these changes
Brother, sister, rearrange this
The way I'm thinking
That we can change this bad condition

Wait, use you mind and not your greed
Let's connect and then proceed
This is something I believe
We are one, we're all just people

One tribe y'all, one tribe y'all
One tribe y'all, we are one people

Let's cast amnesia, forget about all that evil
Forget about all that evil, that evil that they feed ya
Let's cast amnesia, let's cast amnesia
Forget about all that evil, that evil that they feed ya

One tribe y'all, we, we, we, we're one tribe y'all
One, one, one people
One, one, one people
One, one, one people

One, one, one people
One, one, one people
One, one, one people
Let's, let's cast amnesia

Lord, help me out
Trying to figure out what it's all about
'Cause we're one in the same
Same joy, same pain

And I hope that You're there when I need Ya
'Cause maybe we need amnesia
And I don't wanna sound like a preacher
But we need to be one

One world, one love, one passion
One tribe, one understanding
'Cause you and me can become one

Potential discussion in the pew this morning...

Person 1: "Is that Rev Sue?"

Person 2: "I think so, but why does she look like such a zombie?"

Person 1: "That's what I was wondering. I didn't think zombies were mucn into church. At least, not the ones I've known. They always seem to working.....at something."

Person 2: "Oh, you mean eating brains."

Person 1: "Right, silly me. How could I forget something like that. Do you suppose she's joined ranks with the zombies?"

Person 2: "Only time will tell. In the meantime - I'd keep my toque on if I were you - just to be safe you know..."

Person 1: "Good thinking."

This is, of course, an entirely fictional conversation, but it's keeping me awake long enough to get to church. We are sharing worship with Other Church this morning. I'm functioning on zero sleep. Zero. Nada. Nothing. Argh. The irony is that I have SUCH a small part to play in today's service, so it's very clearly not about "Saturday night stress" or anything like it. I just couldn't sleep. *shakes fist in the air* "Darn you aging!! Darn you menopause!!!" Oy.

Worship. Home. Sleepz. No brains. Just sleepz.

You restore and renew...

I'm in the river that flows from your throne
Water of Life
Water of Life
It Covers me and I breathe again
Your love is breath to my soul

I can hear Your voice as You sing over me
It's Your song of Hope breathing life into me
I can feel Your touch as I come close to You
And it heals my heart
You restore and renew

Songwriters: Smith, Michael Whitaker;Smith, Deborah D.;Smith, Whitney

Taking Chances

Yes, I broke down and bought a few of the Glee songs even thought they have a soundtrack coming out next week. Hey, a girl needs good music when she's on that treadmill, you know what I mean????

The Glee cast does a nice job of mashing Celine Dion's "Taking Chances" with a song I recognize from my youth but can't name at the moment. In any case, it's nice listening and that's what I'm listening to now.

This morning was a big step for LCotC and OC (Other Church) in our process of exploring a life together. It probably didn't seem that way to everyone involved, but I could feel it at OC as soon as I took the pulpit there. All I saw in front of me were great big smiles.

I had done the first half of the service at LCotC (my children's time sucked, but it usually tanks, so no surprise there) and all was well when I left - except that no one had signed up for coffee prep. Meh. What can you do? The anthem sounded great and I don't think I mangled the alto part irreparably. I'm starting to get the hang of it, I think, but this whole choir thing is going to take some time for me. It's tons of fun though! I like having a few hours a week that I just give to the church because I want to - not because anyone expects it from me.

Anyway, I collected up my notes, thanking my homiletics prof once again for reminding us often of the importance of numbering the pages in the sermon (Thank you John, now I know what you mean!). Off I hurried to OC. I managed to drive through every school zone in the area (40 km/hr = very very very slow) and hit EVERY red light possible. Then I couldn't find a parking spot so I blocked a few people in behind OC. Turns out the cars there belonged to choir people and I left before they did anyhow.

After the readings and anthem, I took the pulpit and thought "I love how familiar this feels." We shared worship over the summer and I honestly felt completely at home there this morning. The folks at OC loved the sermon. The folks at LCotC were led by a totally competent lay person after my quick departure following the sermon there, so I don't know how the service was received there, but at OC the service went over really well.

We're taking some big chances. Not everyone is on board. But we will never know if it's going to work unless we try, right? And, let's face it, some things are worth taking chances for.

I Need Me Some Good News....

Y'all know what I mean. I had one of those days when the pain of the world touches the deepest parts of your soul - because the people you love so much are the ones hurting the most. One of those days when I feel dipped in grief like a Dairy Queen cone dipped in chocolate. The difference - grief is not sweet - it just plain sucks.

Prayers and shout outs tonight for all of my friends, who are really chosen parts of my extended family, who are ill, sad, despairing, confounded, grieving, frightened, struggling with relationships, and just plain hurting. I love you all and if my greatest wish could come true, it would be that all of your suffering would be lifted. In the meantime, I came home tonight feeling turned inside out by the sheer volume of it all.

But - thanks be to God - our choir director told us to check out this video from Oprah's opening show with the Black Eyed Peas. Look at the one woman in the front row who is rockin' the place - all by herself - then check out the 20,000 people who joined her. For those who aren't much into all the religious stuff - check out this video. This isn't religion, I would never claim it to be, but it IS spiritual. Something - I don't know what - brought that one woman and the other 20,000 with her to a place filled with joy, communion (people actually touching one another on the shoulder ALL at the same time) and rockin' out a GOOD TIME.

Thanks K. I SO needed this tonight.

The Grand Canyon and Sedona

After the closing worship (which was wonderful) at the Big Event in Scottsdale, seven of us headed off in two vehicles to see the Grand Canyon. It's not much of a drive really, especially in comparison to getting anywhere from where I live. So, off we went.

One vehicle (not mine) made a side trip to Winslow, Arizona. Of course, you know WHY they went to Winslow, Arizona right?



Awesome. To my fellow travelers, let's see some pics from the corner, 'kay?

Our car made another stop. We went to see the Watchtower. Here are some pictures:

Looking up at the Watchtower...


One of many, many views of the Canyon from the tower:


Another view. I walked up the spiral stairway up to the very top. The view was spectacular. There was even a bit of water in the Colorado River below us. This is one of the lower observation areas...


We arrived at the GC in time for a glimpse of the sunset before a lovely dinner. Our accommodations were lovely and literally steps from the South Rim of the Canyon. Thanks Mompriest for making the arrangements. This is what we saw on our way to dinner...



And then *drum roll* the next morning at 5:30 am - yes - that's early, some of us got up to watch the sunrise. It was amazing. Even at that unsavory hour.





That morning we walked along the South Rim (around 1 mile, I think) and took plenty of pics, each one more beautiful than the next. The colours were astounding.



Then it was on to Sedona for a delightful lunch and more pictures. Most of mine have anonymous bloggers in them, but here is one that just shows the town and the gorgeous mountains surrounding it:



Back to Phoenix, where I spent a night at a hotel near the airport. It was very swanky by my standards. I enjoyed a quiet evening and went to bed early after a very full, but very fulfilling weekend.



Funny, but I remember thinking that the church was only paying for the educational event itself, but somehow the side trip after it all was equally educational. Just seeing the sheer beauty of God's creation reinforced the need for all of us to protect and honour Mother Earth. I suppose there are lessons to be learned everywhere we go, from everyone we meet, and from every sight we see.

BE 2.0 Re-Entry

No, I was not on an Apollo mission, but the word "re-entry" has been on my mind all day. I returned home late (very late) last evening and have had considerable difficulty trying to convince my body that the clock on the wall is actually correct. This could be another long night. It is SO bizarre to feel tired and yet so unable to sleep. Clearly I don't get out much...

Anywho, I was away for a week in Scottsdale AZ hearing about the "Daughters of Miriam" - women prophets of the Hebrew Scriptures. Our excellent key note speaker was the Rev. Dr. Wilda Gafney, the book's author and an Episcopal priest and Associate Professor of Hebrew and Old Testament at The Lutheran Theological Seminary at Philadelphia.

She rocked. She had a great sense of humour and now stands as the only woman I know with feet smaller than my own.

I spent the first night in Arizona with dear friends in Mesa - THANK YOU!!!!! (you know who you are :)) We had a lovely lunch, shopped a bit and enjoyed a quiet evening - exactly what I needed after a busy Lenten/Easter season. Be warned however - your place is so great that I may just show up on your doorstep next winter and I'll be like a bad rash you can't get rid of. Just sayin'....

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Thanks also to the organizers of BE 2.0 - I know it is a huge task and was mostly done via email. Thank you to my RevGal buddies, y'all are a great bunch to hang out with and learn from, despite my lack of knitting prowess. (Did you notice how well I used "y'all"? And I only caught myself saying "eh" a few times, so it was a banner year for me. I was dropping "eh"s all over the place at the past two Festival of Homies.)

A special thanks to those of you who hung around the campfire on the last evening despite reports of snakes and spiders. As we sang, talked and laughed, I felt the Spirit dancing her way through the night and all the way up to the stars. And truthfully, I really never did locate the Little Dipper. Astronomy - not so much my thing. Still - it was a beautiful night and all of the stars were incredible, especially those of the RevGal variety!



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But I digress...

Here are a few shots of the retreat center where we stayed:





As the only Canadian in the group, I felt it was something of a sovereign duty to be the ONLY one to go for a swim in the lovely pool. It was refreshing, but hardly cold.



One afternoon, we had a bit of free time and headed into Old Scottsdale.



I learned about Geocaching from a few experts in our group. Fascinating and quite possibly addictive. I'm thinking that a BE in Canada could involve some very interesting International Geocaching...



Naturally, one must stop for lunch and refreshments. We ate at a place where I had my first experience of ACTUAL guacamole, made right at the table. Deeeeelish.



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Yes, we actually did our study time too. At times, my brain was fighting against the tide of information coming our way. It was all good and interesting material, but my poor wee brain at times felt the overload of the season. I know that I did the best I could do and brought home much to share with our congregation. I know that we all did. This group of old friends and new friends are now and evermore shall be the official membership of BE 2.0.

And the people said in one voice: Amen!



(Tomorrow I'll post the pics from the Grand Canyon and Sedona - they are incredibly beautiful)

All Things.

I probably don't have to tell you that my favourite biblical passage (from the Epistles, because really, anything read from Luke is also a fave) is Philippians 4:13

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."

What you may or may not know is how many nights over three years of pain I sat in the living room, unable to sleep, repeating that verse over and over and over until I fell asleep in the chair. Well, let's just say there were plenty. Too many. Now I seem hard-wired to this passage. I say it when I'm stressed, or full of doubt about my own capabilities, or when I'm trying to relax. All good religious practice involves a good mantra, right? Well, this one works for me.

My brother-in-law sent me this video today. The week ahead is busier than I've been since April. Some church stuff, some not. But busy. And full of challenge. Today I say goodbye to Wonderful Therapist. I have a new one and I know I will build something good and helpful with her too, but today is going to be tough.

So, I'll remember my mantra, and I'll remember that what I think of as "tough" is nothing compared to what others are living even as I type this. What I think of as "tough" is nothing compared to what this father was able to do for his son.

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."