Just over 13 years ago, in May 1998, the Conference in this part of our vast country saw fit to ordain me to a ministry of Word, Sacrament and Pastoral Care.
That warm day in May was the coming together of many years of study, CPE, verbatims *shudder*, reading assignments, final papers, internships, a valedictory address, a graduation, a degree, and too many interviews to count. But those were only the practical parts of all that led to that moment of ordination.
The other part is much more difficult to articulate. Hours, days, weeks, months and years of personal spiritual discernment took place before, through, and following all of the above. I don't think anyone ever told me that discernment in ministry was a discipline that would never end. It was not a process that began with a spiritual nudge that said, "Hm. Ministry? Seriously God?" and ended with an alb and stole. Discernment is an ongoing dynamic in ministry.
Here's something I know: If you don't have days when you wonder if being a librarian might have been a wiser choice than congregational ministry, you're probably doing a good job of avoiding the deepest challenges of ministry. No offense intended. There's nothing really wrong with that.
It just means that scripture implies that you need to dig a bit deeper. It's sort of like a workout - if you're too comfortable, you need to step it up. There is servanthood undone and it needs to be done. I think a guy named Jesus said something like that a long time ago....he really did not call his disciples to a life of comfort and ease. I also know that this very thing is what makes finding a healthy balance of life and life in ministry one of the greatest challenges of all.
Here are a few other things I know....
1. On October 1, 2001 I led worship for the first time at Little Church on the Corner.
2. On October 2, 2011, ten years later, in the same sanctuary, I led worship again.
3. It is hard to believe that ten years have passed!
4. A dear friend mentioned the occasion in celebration time. Thank you!
5. I know that in these ten years I have given LCotC everything that could have possibly been given by any mere mortal. I have done ministry through physical pain, through times of great joy (Affirming!!) and times of discernment and challenge for our church family. I continue to do so with the best leadership skills I can muster, pain or no pain.
6. I know that there have been many times when ministry has trumped my personal physical health, my time with friends and family, and my capacity to recall bizarre concepts such as "fun."
7. I know that I would do it all over again.
8. I know that I love my church and the people in my congregation. They are my spiritual family in the best sense of the word. Our church family is special.
9. I don't really expect them to understand me anymore, though at times I still secretly wish for it, sort of as one might wish that hobbits were real and second-breakfast would not apply itself directly to one's thighs.
10. I know that only a small number of people in my church truly understand what I do between Sundays.
11. I know that those are the people who have over the years invited me to stand on the holy ground of their greatest joys and deepest tragedies. These are the people who called in the night so that at least one person in the hospital room would not be crying from a place within them so deep and full of hurt that until that night they did not know they could even survive it. They needed me to be the person to bring, if nothing else, a symbol of hope to a seemingly hopeless situation.
12. I know that it is simply wrong to hold a baby shower before a child is born. Just. Wrong. No one will ever convince me otherwise.
13. I know that I can put on my "game face" and get through even the most difficult funeral and work through my own grief on my own time.
14. I know that is no small task, and I'm good at it.
15. I know that the longer I am the pastor of LCotC, the more difficult the funerals will become.
16. I know that I am up to that challenge. One of the most important parts of my ministry is preparation for the celebration of someone's life. I can make a mistake of some kind on a Sunday morning and make it right the following week, but I have ONE, and only one, opportunity to do right by someone who has lived a life on this earth. And every single person's life is worth celebrating simply by virtue of being the life of a child of God. I know I can do right by all of these good people, because I am never alone. God is with me. Thanks be to God!
17. I know that I am a good preacher.
18. I know that I have rarely worked LESS THAN or ONLY the 40 hour week described in my terms of call. I'm pretty much always beyond 40 hours. Some weeks, I just stop counting....
19. I know that no one has ever demanded that I do so. Mostly, circumstances have done so.
20. I know that people grow when they try to accomplish things that they thought were impossible.
21. I know that it is never too late to figure out #20.
22. I know that my sabbatical this year will be good for both me and our congregation in many ways.
23. I know that our Manual says I should have already had one sabbatical already, but this will be my first.
24. I know that I will learn something, perhaps many things, on this time away from congregational ministry. At the very least, I will have a study report to bring back. I suspect I will also bring back to our church a fresh perspective, lots of creative ideas, and most definitely enthusiasm.
25. I know that there are still a few church seasons to navigate before sabbatical time, and I'm up for the task.
26. I know that these ten years have been good. Very, very good. So much of what I do is by necessity "invisible" ministry....time spent reading, praying, counseling, helping where help is needed. In the end, I suppose it doesn't matter who knows how all-encompassing such work can be - because God knows.
27. I had no idea that I knew so many things!
Showing posts with label self-care. Show all posts
Showing posts with label self-care. Show all posts
Sunday, October 02, 2011
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Painful Privilege
This is going to be a tough one.
A member of our congregation passed away this morning. I was called and was able to be with the family for most of the day as the shock of such a sudden loss began to sink in.
Almost a year ago, I conducted a funeral for another much-loved gentleman, also an important member of our faith family, who had died suddenly leaving that surreal feeling for everyone who mourned (and continue to mourn) his loss. That was a terribly hard funeral to conduct, because I knew how much I would miss this wonderful man. But I can keep it together and be professional.That is my call and vocation. I do my grieving on my own time.
The gentleman who died this morning has known me literally my entire life. His surviving wife was one of my Mother's dearest friends. We lived across the street from one another for years. He was one of very few people in my life who ever called me "Susie" and got away with it. :)
And now he's gone.
I will conduct his memorial service early next week and I will experience profoundly the privilege of being on such holy ground with his grieving family, just as I did a year ago. It is indeed, a deep and powerful gift to be asked to honour someone's life in worship. When that person feels like family, both the privilege of it and the pain of it run that much deeper. This is a life to be celebrated for its richness, grace and faith. His family is comforted today knowing that in some Mysterious way that none of us really understands, he is at peace and is in the presence and power of Holy Love, the Source of all goodness.
So, at the service, I will keep it together through the remembrances and celebrations of his life, through the hymns and the choir anthem, the homily and the prayers. After the committal and the luncheon I will go home.
And I'll need to be alone for awhile. Not for long, because that isn't how he would want it.
But I will need to find my own way to say goodbye....in a way that is not liturgical, but personal.
A member of our congregation passed away this morning. I was called and was able to be with the family for most of the day as the shock of such a sudden loss began to sink in.
Almost a year ago, I conducted a funeral for another much-loved gentleman, also an important member of our faith family, who had died suddenly leaving that surreal feeling for everyone who mourned (and continue to mourn) his loss. That was a terribly hard funeral to conduct, because I knew how much I would miss this wonderful man. But I can keep it together and be professional.That is my call and vocation. I do my grieving on my own time.
The gentleman who died this morning has known me literally my entire life. His surviving wife was one of my Mother's dearest friends. We lived across the street from one another for years. He was one of very few people in my life who ever called me "Susie" and got away with it. :)
And now he's gone.
I will conduct his memorial service early next week and I will experience profoundly the privilege of being on such holy ground with his grieving family, just as I did a year ago. It is indeed, a deep and powerful gift to be asked to honour someone's life in worship. When that person feels like family, both the privilege of it and the pain of it run that much deeper. This is a life to be celebrated for its richness, grace and faith. His family is comforted today knowing that in some Mysterious way that none of us really understands, he is at peace and is in the presence and power of Holy Love, the Source of all goodness.
So, at the service, I will keep it together through the remembrances and celebrations of his life, through the hymns and the choir anthem, the homily and the prayers. After the committal and the luncheon I will go home.
And I'll need to be alone for awhile. Not for long, because that isn't how he would want it.
But I will need to find my own way to say goodbye....in a way that is not liturgical, but personal.
Friday, February 18, 2011
Challenge Accepted
see more Lolcats and funny pictures
You know I love my LOL Cats.
Well, this post, and this LOL Cat post, both follow quite naturally from yesterday's post about "Truth." Here's the reason for that:
I have almost exactly one month to wait until my next round of Occipital Nerve Block treatments. This time they will take place in Toronto, as opposed to the USofA like they did last time. After July's injections, I had about three months of pain-relief, by which I mean I had considerably less pain. Not zero pain, but so much less that it may as well have been zero.
Needless to say, since my pain level is back up to a daily process of "getting by and getting through" - the anticipation of relief has me counting sleeps as if I were going on some luxurious vacation, not a clinic in Toronto. Either way, I'm thankful that I can receive the treatment in Ontario, and that the wait is so short.
That said, the next month will be a challenge about as big as that ball of string. The difference between now and, say, three or four years ago, is that I know I can do it. I have much more confidence in my capacity to cope than I did back in the day. That is in large part due to the tools of my excellent cognitive behavioural therapist and also, let's face it, my own stubborn strength.
On the subject of Truth, however, I am aware that I need to be careful about how much truth people can handle. (insert Jack Nicholson voice here)
Last night I was explaining to some friends that last Saturday night I had the truly tough call of "ER or not to ER" which is bad enough any night, but on a Saturday night, it becomes a lose-lose decision. I can either go the ER, wait for a few hours and get home by 3:00 or 4:00 am, quite possibly without having received any relief at all AND being exhausted for worship. OR I can stay at home and manage it the best I can by myself.
Last week I opted for the latter. Here's what I did: Around midnight I realized that I had to decide one way or the other. So, I took this: a benadryl (because that's what they would start me off with at the ER anyway), two gravol for the nausea, an aleve, a maxalt, and a tylenol. Then I grabbed two ice packs and prayed I would get some sleep. Once I get even a bit of sleep, I am almost always assured to wake up with the pain dropped down by at least a notch or two.
Now, I realize that sounds like a lot of medication to put in my body at once. It is. But my body is so used to over the counter desperation that I didn't understand the shocked looks on my friends faces while I listed off the "Saturday night ER at Home" treatment. I really didn't expect their response.
I'm OKAY.
You need to know that. Every now and then I have an exceptionally bad night and the above is necessary. I am not taking these meds every night. I promise.
All I knew was that last Saturday night I had to get it together for Sunday. And I did. I eventually drifted off to sleep and grabbed a few more winks of sleep than I would have if I had hit the ER. I know my home method sounds extreme. But really it isn't, when you think of the alternative. At the ER, they would tried the "benadryl only stronger" med combined with gravol. When that didn't work, they would have gone to maxeran. When that didn't work, they would have waited ANOTHER half an hour and possibly given me morphine, or perhaps not. The morphine might have helped the pain but I would have been one sleepy puppy on Sunday.
I made the right choice. I'm okay. I can and will accept the challenge of facing the next month with whatever level of pain it may bring. I've done it before, I'll do it again. I'll get massages, rest when I can, work as hard as I am able but not beyond my capacity. I'll make it to the 21st of March and hope for the best.
And that's the truth.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Counting Sleeps
Next week I'll be using my final week of vacation. I'm heading to a lovely place not far from here, to enjoy some "me" time. I am long past the time in my life where that feels self-indulgent or worse, selfish. It is not.
Recently, someone wrote: "ME time makes me a better person in WE time." So very true.
I'm tired. Advent and Christmas were wonderful, life-giving and appropriately busy for anyone in ministry. But I've been waiting throughout January for that feeling of "bouncing back" and finding that renewal of energy to no avail. I need to rest. As a solid and unquestionable Introvert, I need to reclaim that energy in solitude. I love being around people, sharing with people, and mostly - serving people. That is my vocation and my call and I wouldn't want it any other way. But even the most devoted servant needs some alone time, and I am no different.
So, I'm off to this place....
...with no computer, only some good (fun) books that I've been wanting to read. I plan to sit by the fire and read and look out on the lake...
...nap when I feel like napping...
...and spend a day at the spa where they have a pool and a full day of spa activities including a mud pack, massage, and facial.
If you need me next week, you know where I'll be. I love you dearly, but I'll love you better when I love myself back into being that much closer to whole.
Recently, someone wrote: "ME time makes me a better person in WE time." So very true.
I'm tired. Advent and Christmas were wonderful, life-giving and appropriately busy for anyone in ministry. But I've been waiting throughout January for that feeling of "bouncing back" and finding that renewal of energy to no avail. I need to rest. As a solid and unquestionable Introvert, I need to reclaim that energy in solitude. I love being around people, sharing with people, and mostly - serving people. That is my vocation and my call and I wouldn't want it any other way. But even the most devoted servant needs some alone time, and I am no different.
So, I'm off to this place....
...with no computer, only some good (fun) books that I've been wanting to read. I plan to sit by the fire and read and look out on the lake...
...nap when I feel like napping...
...and spend a day at the spa where they have a pool and a full day of spa activities including a mud pack, massage, and facial.
If you need me next week, you know where I'll be. I love you dearly, but I'll love you better when I love myself back into being that much closer to whole.
Monday, October 04, 2010
An Early Haunting....
....it is October after all, so I shouldn't be surprised by a haunting of sorts.
Oh, this wasn't the ghostly kind. It was more like the conscience kind. There I was, minding my own business at the gym, working away at the treadmill. I had set the machine for a one hour workout at a 4.0 walk speed and 6.0 run speed, 2.0 incline, with run intervals every 5 minutes. No biggy, right?
Well, you see, there were these August holidays and then September was uber-busy (want some cheese with that whine, Sue?) - so about half way through said workout, I thought "Gee, I would sure like a sauna about now."
Thus the haunting.
Just as I'm about to change my settings, hit the "pause so I can live another day" button, I hear Jillian's voice shouting into my head over the sound of my itunes "NO! You don't get to quit just because you're tired! RUN!" Seriously, I could practically see her putting her arm over the controls so I couldn't change them.
I totally have to stop watching that show.
I finished the hour, but only because Pretend Jillian made me.
I'm thinking Pretend Massage Therapy would be helpful tonight, but a hot bath is going to have to do.
The worst part: Pretend Jillian told me I'd better not miss tomorrow's workout just because today's was rough. I'm starting to think that my conscience is really kind of mean to me. Either that, or I'm being haunted by a very harsh personal fitness coach. Either way, I see aches and blisters in my near future.
Oh, this wasn't the ghostly kind. It was more like the conscience kind. There I was, minding my own business at the gym, working away at the treadmill. I had set the machine for a one hour workout at a 4.0 walk speed and 6.0 run speed, 2.0 incline, with run intervals every 5 minutes. No biggy, right?
Well, you see, there were these August holidays and then September was uber-busy (want some cheese with that whine, Sue?) - so about half way through said workout, I thought "Gee, I would sure like a sauna about now."
Thus the haunting.
Just as I'm about to change my settings, hit the "pause so I can live another day" button, I hear Jillian's voice shouting into my head over the sound of my itunes "NO! You don't get to quit just because you're tired! RUN!" Seriously, I could practically see her putting her arm over the controls so I couldn't change them.
I totally have to stop watching that show.
I finished the hour, but only because Pretend Jillian made me.
I'm thinking Pretend Massage Therapy would be helpful tonight, but a hot bath is going to have to do.
The worst part: Pretend Jillian told me I'd better not miss tomorrow's workout just because today's was rough. I'm starting to think that my conscience is really kind of mean to me. Either that, or I'm being haunted by a very harsh personal fitness coach. Either way, I see aches and blisters in my near future.
Saturday, September 18, 2010
All These Years...
With thanks to WNPP over at No Extended Warranty, I was reminded this week that it is "National Invisible Chronic Illness Awareness Week." Do check out the website over here.
I loved this passage from Tennyson at No Extended Warranty....
"They that had fought so well
Came thro' the jaws of Death
Back from the mouth of Hell,
All that was left of them" Tennyson
Someone I love very much told me this week that I looked tired. I'm used to that and it's okay. In truth, on that day, I *was* tired. But my head didn't hurt. The handful of headaches I've had since my Occipital Nerve Injections in July have been different than my typical pain pattern of the last five years. I typically had one location - my right temple - with a 'fiery-spike-through-the-temple' kind of pain. The headaches I've had since July have been more tension-type, not as severe by any means, and at least two seemed weather-related.
So it's all good.
On the other hand, Tennyson has a point. What is left of me after a horrifying number of sleepless nights and pain-filled days, is a person I sometimes don't quite recognize. I've aged far more than five years in the past five years. I work very hard not to let that slow me down, and I still guard my time and energy carefully - because good self-care is never going to hurt me, or anyone else for that matter. Still, there is no question that the past five years of chronic pain has left me changed. Some of those changes are good ones. I certainly have more depth of understanding for the people I visit who live with pain. I've also 'met' some amazingly strong people in cyberspace who along the way have given me hope and a sure sense of not "standing on the moon" all by myself with my pain.
Several years ago I had a troll (for the uninitiated, that is an unwelcome commenter) who found any and all posts regarding my particular brand of invisible illness to be self-indulgent and annoying. And this person was a health-care provider. That was, and is, seriously sad. No wonder people with invisible chronic illness have a hard time finding relief or health care that is free of judgement and mistrust.
After all this time, what I would say to ALL health-care providers is this: Yes, some people misuse the system because they are drug-seekers or they just want to mess up your shift at the hospital. But you know, most of us aren't those people. Most of us are NOT drug-seekers, we are relief-seekers. There is a HUGE difference between the two.
In five years, I have made five visits to our local ER. I should have been there far more often than that. Most of the time, I could not add the stress of the ER onto the stress of trying not to toss my cookies. What a shame that is. What a shame.
But the good news!
Yesterday I found out that my headache posts helped someone I will probably never meet, who does not know me, even in cyber space (well, until yesterday). This was simply a person with pain who needed to know she was not alone. Through someone else who remembered my posts, she found her way here. THAT was the point of writing about chronic pain in this forum for all those years. I never wanted anyone's pity - ever. I have tried to ask the hard questions and seek out the right answers for me. They won't be the right answers for every one, but maybe, just maybe - someone might find a piece of information or a word of encouragement helpful. That's what it's all about. Knowing that there are other people out there who understand.
From Lous Heshusius in "Inside Chronic Pain: An Intimate and Critical Account:
...I had come to experience that, indeed, living with chronic pain - though intensely personal - is not a rugged, individual process but involves every aspect of one's life and every person in one's life...Chronic pain may push us toward an area of human life we know almost nothing about...It places people in utterly different worlds of feeling. It surrounds them with silence. In many ways the person in chronic pain might as well be standing on the moon.
For now, TBTG, my pain is abated. I'm loving every minute of it and feeling very thankful. But I know I can still learn from it all because everything in life - even when it doesn't feel like it at the time - provides an opportunity to learn and grow.
I was really touched and moved yesterday to find out that someone who felt alone in her pain discovered that in truth, there are a bunch of us standing on the moon. Together.
Friday, February 05, 2010
RevGal Friday Five: Staving off the Gloom Edition
One of our RevGals, Sally posted on the RevGals site this morning:
If it's any comfort Sally, it's pretty solidly winter here also - no signs of spring just yet....
Here are my best ways of getting through a long winter here in Canada:
1. Exercise, what do you do if you can't face getting out into the cold and damp? A few years ago, okay maybe a decade ago, I would have been much more likely to put on several layers of warm winter-wear and gone for a rigorous walk regardless of the temperature. Now, I tend to head to the gym and get my workout indoors where it's warm and cozy. I love the gym. It's like smorgasbord of exercise possibilities. I can take a class, zone out on the elliptical, or push my tired legs and lungs on the treadmill. It's been a really good investment this winter. It gets me out of the house on even the coldest days. That - and they have a sauna!!!! If I have time, I like to treat myself to a quick sauna after my workout. I grew up with a sauna at our camp/cottage, so I can take a good bit of heat. If there is no one else in the sauna with me, three good scoops full of water on the rocks is just heavenly.
2. Food; time to comfort eat, or time to prepare your body for the coming spring/summer? The food part doesn't change much for me, with the exception of the occasional hearty stew or soup. Mostly I prefer to have something warm to drink. I appreciate a nice hot cup of tea on the coldest afternoons, even if only to warm my hands on the cup!
3. Brainpower; do you like me need to stave off depression, if so how do you do it? Sometimes this one's tough - no question. January feels like the longest month of the year for me and at times it feels as if it will never end. I try to take time during January and February to do things that are good for my body, mind and spirit. None of these are terribly indulgent. An afternoon or evening spent with tea and a good book will work wonders on my plunging mood. A good nap will do the same. A massage - even better. Also, it helps to take advantage of all the blue sky we get in this part of the country. The problem is that when the sky is blue, the temperature is generally down in the -20 to -30 range. Even so, that natural Vitamin D helps. I also take 1000mg of Vit D supplements every day to make up for the days when it's just too darned cold to venture out into the sun.
4. How about a story that lifts your spirits, is there a book or film that you return to to stave off the gloom? For a guaranteed laugh (as distasteful as the content may be - and it is) I watch the movie Eulogy. It's hilarious. And completely tasteless and crass - but hilarious. This year I've also been enjoying Glee. I have the box set of the first season, so it's always ready to watch and enjoy. Something about that show always lifts my spirits. "And that's how Sue, C's it."
5. Looking forward, do you have a favourite spring flower/ is there something that says spring is here more than anything else?
Not being much of a flower/garden person, I look forward to the lilacs when they finally bloom. I like going for a walk and ending up under someone's overgrown lilac bush as it shadows the sidewalk. I'm vertically-challenged, so I generally don't even have to duck to get underneath this heavenly cover of delicious scent. It always makes me smile when people don't bother cutting back their lilac bushes.
Bonus; post a poem/ piece of music that points to the coming spring...... Well, despite many many years when Easter morning has been horrifyingly cold - once I've heard "Jesus Christ is Risen Today" - it is officially spring.
Here is a poem by Mary Oliver (from "House of Light") that shines a light on that sense of the world "waking up" after the long winter. Also, I have a strong resonance with the image of the bear, especially a female bear, stretching after a long sleep and preparing for whatever the world brings her way.
Spring by Mary Oliver
Somewhere
a black bear
has just risen from sleep
and is staring
down the mountain.
All night
in the brisk and shallow restlessness
of early spring
I think of her,
her four black fists
flicking the gravel,
her tongue
like a red fire
touching the grass,
the cold water.
There is only one question:
how to love this world.
I think of her
rising
like a black and leafy ledge
to sharpen her claws against
the silence
of the trees.
Whatever else
my life is
with its poems
and its music
and its cities,
it is also this dazzling darkness
coming
down the mountain,
breathing and tasting;
all day I think of her -—
her white teeth,
her wordlessness,
her perfect love.
Candlemass is past, and Christmas is well and truly over, here in the UK February looks set to be its usual grey and cold self. Signs of spring are yet to emerge; if like me you long for them perhaps you need ways to get through these long dark days. So lets share a few tips for a cold and rainy/ snowy day....
If it's any comfort Sally, it's pretty solidly winter here also - no signs of spring just yet....
Here are my best ways of getting through a long winter here in Canada:
1. Exercise, what do you do if you can't face getting out into the cold and damp? A few years ago, okay maybe a decade ago, I would have been much more likely to put on several layers of warm winter-wear and gone for a rigorous walk regardless of the temperature. Now, I tend to head to the gym and get my workout indoors where it's warm and cozy. I love the gym. It's like smorgasbord of exercise possibilities. I can take a class, zone out on the elliptical, or push my tired legs and lungs on the treadmill. It's been a really good investment this winter. It gets me out of the house on even the coldest days. That - and they have a sauna!!!! If I have time, I like to treat myself to a quick sauna after my workout. I grew up with a sauna at our camp/cottage, so I can take a good bit of heat. If there is no one else in the sauna with me, three good scoops full of water on the rocks is just heavenly.
2. Food; time to comfort eat, or time to prepare your body for the coming spring/summer? The food part doesn't change much for me, with the exception of the occasional hearty stew or soup. Mostly I prefer to have something warm to drink. I appreciate a nice hot cup of tea on the coldest afternoons, even if only to warm my hands on the cup!
3. Brainpower; do you like me need to stave off depression, if so how do you do it? Sometimes this one's tough - no question. January feels like the longest month of the year for me and at times it feels as if it will never end. I try to take time during January and February to do things that are good for my body, mind and spirit. None of these are terribly indulgent. An afternoon or evening spent with tea and a good book will work wonders on my plunging mood. A good nap will do the same. A massage - even better. Also, it helps to take advantage of all the blue sky we get in this part of the country. The problem is that when the sky is blue, the temperature is generally down in the -20 to -30 range. Even so, that natural Vitamin D helps. I also take 1000mg of Vit D supplements every day to make up for the days when it's just too darned cold to venture out into the sun.
4. How about a story that lifts your spirits, is there a book or film that you return to to stave off the gloom? For a guaranteed laugh (as distasteful as the content may be - and it is) I watch the movie Eulogy. It's hilarious. And completely tasteless and crass - but hilarious. This year I've also been enjoying Glee. I have the box set of the first season, so it's always ready to watch and enjoy. Something about that show always lifts my spirits. "And that's how Sue, C's it."
5. Looking forward, do you have a favourite spring flower/ is there something that says spring is here more than anything else?
Not being much of a flower/garden person, I look forward to the lilacs when they finally bloom. I like going for a walk and ending up under someone's overgrown lilac bush as it shadows the sidewalk. I'm vertically-challenged, so I generally don't even have to duck to get underneath this heavenly cover of delicious scent. It always makes me smile when people don't bother cutting back their lilac bushes.
Bonus; post a poem/ piece of music that points to the coming spring...... Well, despite many many years when Easter morning has been horrifyingly cold - once I've heard "Jesus Christ is Risen Today" - it is officially spring.
Here is a poem by Mary Oliver (from "House of Light") that shines a light on that sense of the world "waking up" after the long winter. Also, I have a strong resonance with the image of the bear, especially a female bear, stretching after a long sleep and preparing for whatever the world brings her way.
Spring by Mary Oliver
Somewhere
a black bear
has just risen from sleep
and is staring
down the mountain.
All night
in the brisk and shallow restlessness
of early spring
I think of her,
her four black fists
flicking the gravel,
her tongue
like a red fire
touching the grass,
the cold water.
There is only one question:
how to love this world.
I think of her
rising
like a black and leafy ledge
to sharpen her claws against
the silence
of the trees.
Whatever else
my life is
with its poems
and its music
and its cities,
it is also this dazzling darkness
coming
down the mountain,
breathing and tasting;
all day I think of her -—
her white teeth,
her wordlessness,
her perfect love.
Tuesday, February 02, 2010
Pass the Epsom Salts
I had a massage today - not from my usual massage therapist or even from her replacement who is filling in while she takes a well-deserved break for maternity leave. No, today I went to the Almost a Relative Massage Therapist who works out of one of our local sports medicine clinics. When this lovely young woman gives a massage, she means business. Srsly.
When she finished the half hour session, she said very sincerely, "I'm sorry. You're really going to hurt tomorrow." On the way out (after we had booked a few more sessions) she suggested epsom salts and a good soak. She said she could work on the active trigger points over a few visits and see if we can't get them under control a bit better than they have been. She also encouraged me to keep working out, which is good, because I'm enjoying the gym quite a bit.
Definitely time for a soak....
If you've been around ID for any length of time, you know that I'm a HUGE fan of Evanescence. The band did a one-time performance last fall in NYC before heading off for a tour in Brazil. Anyway, Amy Lee and the band are working with the UN Foundation to raise money for Haiti relief. Make a donation and you can download a tune that was intended for their last CD "The Open Door" but was cut. It's called "Together Again" and I love it. It is eerily appropriate for this fundraiser, and as always, excellent listening.
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Memory
I have a really good memory. Sometimes it's a bit creepy. Let me be clear that my memory for faces and names of people that I knew a long, long, time ago is better than it is for someone I met yesterday. I think that's fairly standard for a fifty-year old. Still, my long-term memory is astonishingly good and very detailed.
Today at the gym I started my workout at the same time as a woman I've seen there a few times before. She smiled politely and I said hello as we both started our work out. As I'm running along, I'm thinking "Oh, I know her. We were in highschool together. Her name is ______. She lived on ________ Street. Her brother's name is________. I think her Dad was a _________. She was really good at math and she was a cheerleader. She's 50 this year, just like me. I can remember the colour of her bedroom, but only because I always wished I could have the same colour on my walls."
See what I mean? Creepy.
I didn't look in her direction on the way out. If I had said "Oh, hello _______. How are you doing? How has life been for you for the past 35 years?" The potential for awkwardness in that moment was far too high for me to risk it. I understand that no one from my highschool would ever recognize me, let alone remember anything about me. I was invisible through both grade school and highschool. My greatest wish was to blend in to the brickwork so no one would notice me or *gasp* talk to me.
Introvert much?
I'm still an introvert, but I have a much different understanding of what that word means. In highschool I was just plain shy. I observed every detail around me, had a very small circle of friends, and lived in fear of being called upon in class. I blushed very easily and then blushed because I knew I was blushing. ~sigh~
Now my introverted nature is played out in a much different way. I need solitude and silence to restore my soul and, honestly, to maintain anything resembling sanity in my life.
I understand that I'm no longer invisible. I don't want to be - most of the time. Like most people, I have times when the world overwhelms every part of me and I want to pull the covers over my head and retreat into myself. The way I see it, the difference between me and an Extrovert is that if I *don't* do this, I pay a very high price in body, mind and spirit. The average extrovert can get away without "down time" for a much longer stretch of time than I can.
Given my excellent memory, one might think that I would never forget such an important aspect of my own life, right? A work in progress friends, a work in progress....
Today at the gym I started my workout at the same time as a woman I've seen there a few times before. She smiled politely and I said hello as we both started our work out. As I'm running along, I'm thinking "Oh, I know her. We were in highschool together. Her name is ______. She lived on ________ Street. Her brother's name is________. I think her Dad was a _________. She was really good at math and she was a cheerleader. She's 50 this year, just like me. I can remember the colour of her bedroom, but only because I always wished I could have the same colour on my walls."
See what I mean? Creepy.
I didn't look in her direction on the way out. If I had said "Oh, hello _______. How are you doing? How has life been for you for the past 35 years?" The potential for awkwardness in that moment was far too high for me to risk it. I understand that no one from my highschool would ever recognize me, let alone remember anything about me. I was invisible through both grade school and highschool. My greatest wish was to blend in to the brickwork so no one would notice me or *gasp* talk to me.
Introvert much?
I'm still an introvert, but I have a much different understanding of what that word means. In highschool I was just plain shy. I observed every detail around me, had a very small circle of friends, and lived in fear of being called upon in class. I blushed very easily and then blushed because I knew I was blushing. ~sigh~
Now my introverted nature is played out in a much different way. I need solitude and silence to restore my soul and, honestly, to maintain anything resembling sanity in my life.
I understand that I'm no longer invisible. I don't want to be - most of the time. Like most people, I have times when the world overwhelms every part of me and I want to pull the covers over my head and retreat into myself. The way I see it, the difference between me and an Extrovert is that if I *don't* do this, I pay a very high price in body, mind and spirit. The average extrovert can get away without "down time" for a much longer stretch of time than I can.
Given my excellent memory, one might think that I would never forget such an important aspect of my own life, right? A work in progress friends, a work in progress....
Friday, January 29, 2010
RevGal Friday Five: Social Media
Over on the RevGal site, Kathryn says:
I had the joy of spending time with Songbird last weekend, someone I would have never met had it not been for the blogosphere. Now we keep in touch using a large variety of methods: blog (hers a lot, mine not so much lately), facebook, twitter, text messaging, chat and email. So far there has been no skype.
It got me to thinking of the pros and cons of these relatively new means of communication and interconnecting and so I ask you the following:
1) What have been the benefits for you of social networking (blog, twitter, facebook, etc...) I can think of several. At first it was just another way to journal. I love to write and have few outlets for that part of my creativity. When I was writing for Wood Lake Books back in the day, I loved the discipline of it and all of the learning that took place in those three years. When the pulpit resource I was writing for went out of publication, I was left with a lot of words to put on paper, but no focus. Thus: InnerDorothy.
Through this site, I was fortunate to tap into an amazing network of friends and colleagues who share experiences of God's ministry in the world as well as just experiences of Life. The diversity of that group (made up of RevGals and Pals) is amazing and enlightening and becomes even more so as time passes. With shared ministries from all around the globe, we really bring new meaning to the term "web". I can picture a piece of thread connecting all of us, forming a literal web that would encircle the entire globe. With over 300 members, the RevGals are a force to reckoned with! We support one another, and have, on occasion had wonderful celebrations together in conjunction with continuing education events (see above celebratory and delicious cake!).
ETA: I would be remiss not to mention the many many migraineurs who have shared their headache and chronic pain stories and suggestions with me over the past four years. Their support has meant the world to me. Without all of them, I don't know how I ever would have managed. Thanks to all of you as you continue to teach me how to live with pain and still enjoy life.
2) Which medium do you use the most? Or if you use them all, for what do you use each of them? Probably the blog. I also use facebook, but mostly for the more "ordinary" everyday things - because I know that you all care what kind of cereal I have for breakfast. Who am I to deny you such insight? :)
3) If you could invent a networking site (with no limits on your imagination), what would it provide? What would it not provide?
I think the kind of networking site that I'm imagining probably already exists, but I have no idea how it works or how to connect to it. I'm thinking of a forum that would save travel time, money and (most importantly) the earth by limiting carbon emissions. Such a system would allow meetings to happen via true video conferencing. Telephone conference calls make me slightly crazy. There's that slight delay before you hear what someone is saying, and that need for everyone to identify themselves by name before speaking....ick. I would rather have a large screen in front of me with everyone's face there, as if we were all in the same room.
4) Who have you met that you would not have met if it were not for the 'miracle' of social networking? Too many amazing, gifted people to name. I have been truly blessed.
5) Who do you secretly pray does not one day try to 'friend/follow' you? Can't think of any, really. I've had a few old highschool contacts and they've been fun to connect with again.
BONUS: What was the most random/weird/unsettling/wonderful connection you made that would not have happened if it were not for the ease of which we can find each other in the computer realm? I think the best one so far was the connection made between a friend I met at a conference in Arizona, whose friend from Texas was moving to Canada to take a ministry position up here. My friend's friend (the one who moved up here) is VERY far away from me geographically, but it was pretty awesome to meet a new person in our denomination via someone from so far South of here! The world is smaller than it once was, no question.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Various and Sundry Updates
* Mr. Man Ouzo is being such a trooper. Twice a day, he gets a poke along the edge of his ear (if you have a cat, you can see a tiny, tiny vein that runs along the edge of he earlobe) so that we can test his blood sugar. He's not crazy about the little poke with the lancet, but he holds still for it. Once his sugar is established, then he gets his GI antibiotics because he's still got an icky tummy (two weeks now). Then he gets his insulin - again, when the needle goes into the scruff of his neck, he doesn't even move. It's over before he realizes it's happening. Then we sprinkle the powdered culture-medicine prescribed by the vet into his fancy prescription diabetic mushy food.
THEN he gets to eat.
The cat has the patience of Job. Srsly.
* Visit with our niece was truly lovely. She can come back anytime. I think she had a good time too.
* Long meeting last night, but a good one. Good energy, good exchange of ideas etc....now the broader issue is turning those ideas into something more concrete. Lord have mercy.
* Headache status: busy weekend coupled with a long meeting on my only day off = Pain. That simply is what it is. Do I have time to relax today? Nope. Important visit to make this afternoon, then family for dinner to celebrate my father-in-law's 80th birthday!!! It's all good stuff - the visit, the meeting, the dinner tonight - but there is little question that by the end of this week, I am REALLY going to need an ACTUAL day off. No question. And possibly a massage.
THEN he gets to eat.
The cat has the patience of Job. Srsly.
* Visit with our niece was truly lovely. She can come back anytime. I think she had a good time too.
* Long meeting last night, but a good one. Good energy, good exchange of ideas etc....now the broader issue is turning those ideas into something more concrete. Lord have mercy.
* Headache status: busy weekend coupled with a long meeting on my only day off = Pain. That simply is what it is. Do I have time to relax today? Nope. Important visit to make this afternoon, then family for dinner to celebrate my father-in-law's 80th birthday!!! It's all good stuff - the visit, the meeting, the dinner tonight - but there is little question that by the end of this week, I am REALLY going to need an ACTUAL day off. No question. And possibly a massage.
Friday, January 01, 2010
New Year Friday Five: 2010 Edition
Sally over at the RevGal and Pal site says:
1. What will you gladly leave behind in 2009?
Head pain. Whether it's a 4/10 or an 8/10, it may leave now. I've. Had. Enough.
2. What is the biggest challenge of 2010 for you?
Finding and living in that tender balance between taking on and accomplishing all that my work goals place in front of me, and the self-care that will make it possible for me to reach those goals. No easy task. Trust me on that one. I know I started September with a "damn the torpedoes" attitude that was more or less a stubborn refusal to let pain get in the way of anything - life, work, happiness, you name it. That only takes a person so far until reality hits hard and once again that old Pain Monster laughs in your face again. I'm working really hard to find out what will appease the Monster and still allow me an abundance of living.
3. Is there anything that you simply need to hand to God and say "all will be well, for you are with me"? That would be pretty much everything.
4. If you could only achieve one thing in 2010 what would it be? I would really like to run a 5K. I think that's achievable. World peace would be nice too, but that may have to carry over into 2011.
5. Post a picture, poem or song that sums up your prayer for the year ahead....
The end of this:
The beginning of this:
It is at this time of year that many (British) Methodist Churches celebrate their Annual Covenant Service, a service that will include this prayer:
I am no longer my own but yours,
Put me to what you will,
rank me with whom you will;
put me to doing,
put me to suffering;
let me be employed for you,
or laid aside for you,
exalted for you,
or brought low for you;
let me be full,
let me be empty,
let me have all things,
let me have nothing:
I freely and wholeheartedly yield all things
to your pleasure and disposal.
And now glorious and blessed God,
Father , Son and Holy Spirit,
you are mine and I am yours.
May it be so forever.
Let this covenant now made on earth
be fulfilled in heaven. AMEN
This prayer is said every year, and offers every member an opportunity to renew their covenant with God. This is no soft or easy prayer, it states in the company of others our willingness to worship God come what may, not that we should become doormats, but that we place God above all else. ( And every year if we are honest we have to acknowledge that we fail).
With this prayer in mind I bring you this Friday Five:
1. What will you gladly leave behind in 2009?
Head pain. Whether it's a 4/10 or an 8/10, it may leave now. I've. Had. Enough.
2. What is the biggest challenge of 2010 for you?
Finding and living in that tender balance between taking on and accomplishing all that my work goals place in front of me, and the self-care that will make it possible for me to reach those goals. No easy task. Trust me on that one. I know I started September with a "damn the torpedoes" attitude that was more or less a stubborn refusal to let pain get in the way of anything - life, work, happiness, you name it. That only takes a person so far until reality hits hard and once again that old Pain Monster laughs in your face again. I'm working really hard to find out what will appease the Monster and still allow me an abundance of living.
3. Is there anything that you simply need to hand to God and say "all will be well, for you are with me"? That would be pretty much everything.
4. If you could only achieve one thing in 2010 what would it be? I would really like to run a 5K. I think that's achievable. World peace would be nice too, but that may have to carry over into 2011.
5. Post a picture, poem or song that sums up your prayer for the year ahead....
The end of this:
The beginning of this:
Saturday, November 21, 2009
How can you go wrong with a guy named Zamboni?
An Italian neurologist named Dr.Paolo Zamboni has some really promising research ongoing that could change the way we look at Multiple Sclerosis entirely. You can read all about it here. The research was based on Zamboni's evidence that the brains of MS patients had higher levels of toxic iron build up in their brains than is found in Non-MS patients. This led him to wonder why these iron stores were not being flushed from the brain in the same way that they would be in normal brains. (Young Frankenstein fans: feel free to remember the scene with the jar labeled "Abby Normal".....)
Anyway, here's what he said:
Dr. Zamboni wondered if the iron came from blood improperly collecting in the brain. Using Doppler ultrasound, he began examining the necks of MS patients and made an extraordinary finding. Almost 100 per cent of the patients had a narrowing, twisting or outright blockage of the veins that are supposed to flush blood from the brain. He then checked these veins in healthy people, and found none of these malformations. Nor did he find these blockages in those with other neurological conditions.
"In my mind, this was unbelievable evidence that further study was necessary to understand the link between venous function and iron deposits on the other," Zamboni told W5 from his research lab in Ferrara.
The above picture shows some of that narrowing...
The yellow deposits on the picture are the iron deposits. A simple operation to open up the jugular veins that essentially "clean out" the blood flowing from the brain has had remarkable results in Italy. Studies are now starting in both Boston and at McMaster University here in Canada (Hamilton, Ontario). As scientists are wont to do, they don't encourage people to become too hopeful too soon, but really, how can you mandate a lack of hope when you see something so positive on the horizon?
Pillar will be calling our doc for an MRI appointment asap, as the McMaster docs are asking MS patients with recent MRIs to send them in for his study.
Good stuff! At this point, let's just say we're both cautiously optimistic.
Friday, October 30, 2009
Points of Friday
It's late, so point form it is:
* Two appointments today.
* First with my physio who said my "springy-ness" has returned to my spine" which is a good thing. I had a few weeks there when she felt like she was pressing on a steel pipe - that wasn't so good.
* I had enough time between appointments to head to Chapters to pick up a book for the flights Monday. Also time to enjoy a Grande Cafe Mocha. What else could I do but begin reading the book. It may not make it to Monday - it's very good. It's called The Gargoyle by Andrew Davidson and it's certainly holding my attention so far.
* I also bought two more pairs of reading glasses - the optometrist on Monday said I need to increase the magnification, but he didn't try the hard sell on the expensive frames, which was nice.
* When I looked up from my book and coffee, I had exactly fifteen minutes to get to my massage. Thankfully, I had plenty of time. Got there with five minutes early.
* Excellent massage.
* I think there should be full course in seminary that teaches pastors that days like this are part of surviving pastoral ministry. Srsly.
* Sermon pretty much done.
* Tempted after supper to nap, but went to the gym instead. An hour on the treadmill and another ten on the elliptical. That, plus a sauna, finished the day quite nicely thankyouverymuch.
All in all, a pretty darn good Friday. Hope yours was the same.
* Two appointments today.
* First with my physio who said my "springy-ness" has returned to my spine" which is a good thing. I had a few weeks there when she felt like she was pressing on a steel pipe - that wasn't so good.
* I had enough time between appointments to head to Chapters to pick up a book for the flights Monday. Also time to enjoy a Grande Cafe Mocha. What else could I do but begin reading the book. It may not make it to Monday - it's very good. It's called The Gargoyle by Andrew Davidson and it's certainly holding my attention so far.
* I also bought two more pairs of reading glasses - the optometrist on Monday said I need to increase the magnification, but he didn't try the hard sell on the expensive frames, which was nice.
* When I looked up from my book and coffee, I had exactly fifteen minutes to get to my massage. Thankfully, I had plenty of time. Got there with five minutes early.
* Excellent massage.
* I think there should be full course in seminary that teaches pastors that days like this are part of surviving pastoral ministry. Srsly.
* Sermon pretty much done.
* Tempted after supper to nap, but went to the gym instead. An hour on the treadmill and another ten on the elliptical. That, plus a sauna, finished the day quite nicely thankyouverymuch.
All in all, a pretty darn good Friday. Hope yours was the same.
Thursday, October 01, 2009
Almost Like Real People...
I had my last therapy session with my Cognitive Behavioural Therapist today. She's been a delight, but we never connected the way I did with my first therapist. It didn't matter. This one had a clear job to do with me. I had spent three years doing the Cognitive part with Wonderful Therapist #1, and I had to switch programs to do the Behavioural work with Therapist #2. It worked out perfectly. I think in hindsight, Wonderful Therapist #1 was becoming as much a friend as anyone else in my life and I think it was becoming more difficult for her to challenge me with the really hard work I still had to do.
For anyone who doesn't know the story, I actually saw WT#1 for about seven years total. The first time was for depression and anxiety and the second time was for depression, anxiety and chronic pain issues. No wonder we became so close. Anyway, by the time I finished with her sessions, which included one group process that was excellent, I had the Cognitive stuff down so well I could teach it. But I hadn't changed anything about the way I was living. I was thinking about it, but it wasn't happening. I was stuck.
Enter program #2 and a new therapist who saw right through me from day one. She wasn't impressed by how much I knew about CBT, how much progress I had made intellectually, or how impressed I was with myself. She said, "We have a LOT of work to do" on the FIRST visit. Yikes.
We did have a lot of work to do. On my assertiveness, on my tendency to think I can do it all, that I HAVE to do it all, on my guilt when I discover that I really cannot handle the 60 hour weeks anymore. I had a long way to go when I started with her a year ago. I worked with her, with an occupational therapist, a recreationist (I had quite forgotten how to fun over the three years when my pain was at its worst), and a spiritual therapist. All in the same PUBLICLY FUNDED program. Yup. I haven't paid a penny for any of it. I love you Canada.
Anyway, she stuck with me and pushed me more gently as the months went by and sure enough, I learned that I can live differently than I had been living for the past three (now four) years. I can live in spite of my chronic pain and work around them without apology. Seriously, hubby has never apologized to anyone about having MS, Diabetes and Trigeminal Neuralgia - all chronic and serious conditions. So why should I apologize for my own chronic illness. The invisibility factor has a lot to do with it - a lot of that "You don't look sick" crap. I've learned how to cope with all of that. I've learned how to cope. I've learned how to live.
For the first time in close to ten years, I have no therapist. And I feel okay about that. The nice thing about this program is that you never really leave it. Anytime you feel like you need to talk to your therapist - a year from now, or two years, whenever - they have "clinic" days to allow for that. So my team is hovering in the background, a phone call away, but I have no appointments booked with any of them.
I still have the trifecta of depression, anxiety disorder and chronic headache, but the difference is that I cope with it so very much better now than I did four years ago when it all began. I feel a little bit proud tonight. I've come a long way under extremely challenging circumstances. And I'm still here - living life the best way I know how and giving thanks for all the blessings in my life.
Yup. It's a good day.
For anyone who doesn't know the story, I actually saw WT#1 for about seven years total. The first time was for depression and anxiety and the second time was for depression, anxiety and chronic pain issues. No wonder we became so close. Anyway, by the time I finished with her sessions, which included one group process that was excellent, I had the Cognitive stuff down so well I could teach it. But I hadn't changed anything about the way I was living. I was thinking about it, but it wasn't happening. I was stuck.
Enter program #2 and a new therapist who saw right through me from day one. She wasn't impressed by how much I knew about CBT, how much progress I had made intellectually, or how impressed I was with myself. She said, "We have a LOT of work to do" on the FIRST visit. Yikes.
We did have a lot of work to do. On my assertiveness, on my tendency to think I can do it all, that I HAVE to do it all, on my guilt when I discover that I really cannot handle the 60 hour weeks anymore. I had a long way to go when I started with her a year ago. I worked with her, with an occupational therapist, a recreationist (I had quite forgotten how to fun over the three years when my pain was at its worst), and a spiritual therapist. All in the same PUBLICLY FUNDED program. Yup. I haven't paid a penny for any of it. I love you Canada.
Anyway, she stuck with me and pushed me more gently as the months went by and sure enough, I learned that I can live differently than I had been living for the past three (now four) years. I can live in spite of my chronic pain and work around them without apology. Seriously, hubby has never apologized to anyone about having MS, Diabetes and Trigeminal Neuralgia - all chronic and serious conditions. So why should I apologize for my own chronic illness. The invisibility factor has a lot to do with it - a lot of that "You don't look sick" crap. I've learned how to cope with all of that. I've learned how to cope. I've learned how to live.
For the first time in close to ten years, I have no therapist. And I feel okay about that. The nice thing about this program is that you never really leave it. Anytime you feel like you need to talk to your therapist - a year from now, or two years, whenever - they have "clinic" days to allow for that. So my team is hovering in the background, a phone call away, but I have no appointments booked with any of them.
I still have the trifecta of depression, anxiety disorder and chronic headache, but the difference is that I cope with it so very much better now than I did four years ago when it all began. I feel a little bit proud tonight. I've come a long way under extremely challenging circumstances. And I'm still here - living life the best way I know how and giving thanks for all the blessings in my life.
Yup. It's a good day.
Monday, March 23, 2009
Just Another Monday
Despite some cat/sleeplessness issues, I managed a fairly good night of sleep. I've had a few nights recently when even after the cats have both settled in, I'm up and wide awake. Bleh. Makes for long days when one must get to work in the morning.
I had one appointment today with my OT, the one who sounds like Mary Poppins and is just as sweet as can be. Last time she sent me off with homework. I was to mark in great detail my calendar for three weeks - the times I was at work, the times I had fun.
Mary took a look at the calendar and didn't offer up the spoon full of sugar I was kind of expecting. Instead I have the same assignment for the next three weeks, only this time I'm supposed to do a better job of it. This time I have to mark my work time, fun time, PLUS the times I had PLANNED to have fun, but worked instead. (I conveniently left that off the last calendar, but she was on to it in a heartbeat, so I had to 'fess up).
As in, I'm supposed to have some actual fun - no excuses. With Holy Week and Easter hanging out in the corner laughing at me. And I somehow don't think that sneaking a marshmallow-filled bunny into the afternoon doesn't count as fun.
I told her the next try may not look much different. The truth is, and we both know it, this isn't about how long I want to be in ministry anymore. It's about how long I want to live. Period.
OUCH!
Apparently my need to do things perfectly and exactly on schedule is not so good for my shelf life. That needs to change.
I had NO idea how hard this was going to be. None. How typical though. I thought that once I had mastered the Cognitive Stuff, the Behavioural patterns would fall naturally into place. I thought the stuff going on inside my head mattered the most.
I was wrong. I could not have been more mistaken had I tried. Everything about how I live and function in my call has to change. If it doesn't, I won't be able to serve anyone, least of all God, or myself, or my church. And I want to. It's what I'm called to do.
I skipped yoga today. Not because of my earlier appointment, though that has done nothing good for my mood at all. Nah. We have an ice-storm going on. A nasty one that is expected to last the night. I thought staying home with a good book sounded like a good idea and a good start to my next two week Major Life Change challenge.
I'm hoping at my next appointment we can feed the birds or soemthing. Today was some pretty tough love.
Friday, February 27, 2009
Hot, yes....Gentle?....not so much
I took my first "Hot Gentle Yoga" class today. The picture is generic - not our actual class - just in case you were wondering. We all looked far hotter in every way.
I live in a city highly populated with Suomalainen folk (ie people of Finnish descent) so I know a thing or two about saunas. Hot yoga is like stretching and exercising in a very large sauna for an hour and a half. The only difference is that no one is throwing water on any stones to make more heat and more steam. However, there are humidifier machines that bring about the same effect.
Being my first time and all, I came prepared with a towel, light clothing, and plenty of water. Or so I thought. My one liter bottle of H2O was gone in about 25 minutes. For the rest of the class I was parched. For the most part it was like the regular gentle yoga class that I take on Mondays and Wednesdays, with a few exceptions.
We did the warrior pose and several pretzel-like movements emerging from it. I managed those quite well, thankyouverymuch.
Then we did a modified "hero pose" during which I was quite sure my quads would explode. Thankfully they did not. It was around this point that I remembered why I'm still in the Gentle class and not the Beginner/Intermediate class. Um, ouch.
I came home and was not entirely surprised when Pillar did not speak, but rather pointed me toward the shower, waving his arms at me as if he were shooing away a muddy dog. Sweat? Moi? Of course I did. Why, I haven't had a sweat like that since...well, yesterday, but I am a woman of a certain age and yesterday's episode didn't last for an hour and a half.
I showered and soaked for a looooooong time in epsom salts. Tonight I'm feeling a bit of strain in the newly discovered muscles formerly known as inflexible. The most amusing part is that I actually enjoyed the whole thing quite a bit. See???? That was me - having fun!!!!
Baby steps. Always baby steps. Sweaty little baby steps....
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Boundaries
I went to see my Recreationist today. Yes, I have a Recreationist. Three years of near-monastic living with head pain left me with very little in the way of a social life. So, as part of my multi-disciplinary treatment plan which also includes an occupational therapist, physio, spiritual advisor and CBT therapist, I check in every month or so with a lovely twenty-something year old woman who tells me I have no life and I need to get out more.
Quick, someone alert the media.
I was doing better with outside activities (as in outside of church-related activities) when I was working half time. Now that I'm up to 30 hours, the fun stuff is once again taking a back seat to meetings, social events and worship. And I was SO sure this wouldn't happen. I did have a nice dinner with a friend from out of town a few weeks ago - progress, right? That, plus twice a week yoga and tea with another friend once a week is pretty much it at this point. It is becoming more difficult to find time for additional activities when my work hours are up to 3/4 time.
The problem is that when things like Lent intervene in Life, I don't schedule enough time for enjoyable activities. I put those activities last, and even if I write them on my calendar, I'm just as likely to cross them off in favour of a meeting or something that feels more important. This usually happens when other people's pastoral and personal needs trump my own. And let's face it - that's the job.
I don't want to go to a movie when someone is aching for someone to listen to them and pray with them. I love my vocation. I love planning and preparing and conducting worship. My struggle is that I forget sometimes that other people do other stuff too. Enjoyable, fun stuff - stuff that doesn't involve reading books about theology or reflecting on next week's sermon. Imagine.
It's such a tender balancing act. The interesting thing is that through all of my various experiences of therapy, I've had literally dozens of teachable moments for experts in each discipline. The OT and the Rec therapist have discovered that their best teaching about schedules, time-management, and adhering to blocked out times for personal needs for fun and solitude just don't bear up under the unscheduled pattern of life in ministry.
Things happen when they happen. I suppose in the big picture, it has to be about flexibility. Even Jesus took days off, right?
The task, and perhaps the deepest challenge, is to establish personal boundaries in a vocation that begins with the assumption that there are none at all. How many of you were taught about self-care in seminary? I'm going to guess the number is few, if any.
The task is to add those boundaries appropriately and compassionately, feeding the needs of oneself as well as those of the people we care for and care about - our families, our congregations, our communities.
Flexibility, adjustment....call it what you will. There's a reason they call it gradual return. That jump from 20 to 30 was a biggie. It's going to take awhile to adjust to it, but I'll get there. I just need a bit of time and maybe even a bit of fun.
Quick, someone alert the media.
I was doing better with outside activities (as in outside of church-related activities) when I was working half time. Now that I'm up to 30 hours, the fun stuff is once again taking a back seat to meetings, social events and worship. And I was SO sure this wouldn't happen. I did have a nice dinner with a friend from out of town a few weeks ago - progress, right? That, plus twice a week yoga and tea with another friend once a week is pretty much it at this point. It is becoming more difficult to find time for additional activities when my work hours are up to 3/4 time.
The problem is that when things like Lent intervene in Life, I don't schedule enough time for enjoyable activities. I put those activities last, and even if I write them on my calendar, I'm just as likely to cross them off in favour of a meeting or something that feels more important. This usually happens when other people's pastoral and personal needs trump my own. And let's face it - that's the job.
I don't want to go to a movie when someone is aching for someone to listen to them and pray with them. I love my vocation. I love planning and preparing and conducting worship. My struggle is that I forget sometimes that other people do other stuff too. Enjoyable, fun stuff - stuff that doesn't involve reading books about theology or reflecting on next week's sermon. Imagine.
It's such a tender balancing act. The interesting thing is that through all of my various experiences of therapy, I've had literally dozens of teachable moments for experts in each discipline. The OT and the Rec therapist have discovered that their best teaching about schedules, time-management, and adhering to blocked out times for personal needs for fun and solitude just don't bear up under the unscheduled pattern of life in ministry.
Things happen when they happen. I suppose in the big picture, it has to be about flexibility. Even Jesus took days off, right?
The task, and perhaps the deepest challenge, is to establish personal boundaries in a vocation that begins with the assumption that there are none at all. How many of you were taught about self-care in seminary? I'm going to guess the number is few, if any.
The task is to add those boundaries appropriately and compassionately, feeding the needs of oneself as well as those of the people we care for and care about - our families, our congregations, our communities.
Flexibility, adjustment....call it what you will. There's a reason they call it gradual return. That jump from 20 to 30 was a biggie. It's going to take awhile to adjust to it, but I'll get there. I just need a bit of time and maybe even a bit of fun.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Must be all that yoga...
My physio did her initial check on my spine today to start off our appointment. I was lying on my stomach and she worked her way down from my neck. She said, "Look, you're springy!" when she got to the point between my shoulder blades. All the way up and down my spine she was delighted with how loose I was. She said that the first time she saw me, the same examination felt like moving her hands up and down a two by four.
Progress. Definitely.
There is still one trigger point that continues to refer pain to my right temple every. single. time. She did some acupuncture there and in the other standard headache places (like that sweet spot between the thumb and forefinger, plus a few others) but the good news is that it's really just for maintenance. I couldn't tell her if the acupuncture made any difference because I had no pain to start with. If you had told me a year ago that I would say those words, I wouldn't have believed you. It was about a year ago that I was starting to lose hope of ever living without severe pain.
I think that's why I'm having such a hard time planning for Lent. Last year's Lenten valley was so deep I didn't emerge from it until August. My Easter happened on August 18th, just a bit after 10:00 a.m. when, for the first time in three years, my head didn't hurt anymore.
My Lenten walk this year won't be so difficult, nor will it last so very long. It will be more contemplative and less survivalist. Last year my only goal was to "get through" Lent. This year I'll experience it.
Progress. Definitely.
Progress. Definitely.
There is still one trigger point that continues to refer pain to my right temple every. single. time. She did some acupuncture there and in the other standard headache places (like that sweet spot between the thumb and forefinger, plus a few others) but the good news is that it's really just for maintenance. I couldn't tell her if the acupuncture made any difference because I had no pain to start with. If you had told me a year ago that I would say those words, I wouldn't have believed you. It was about a year ago that I was starting to lose hope of ever living without severe pain.
I think that's why I'm having such a hard time planning for Lent. Last year's Lenten valley was so deep I didn't emerge from it until August. My Easter happened on August 18th, just a bit after 10:00 a.m. when, for the first time in three years, my head didn't hurt anymore.
My Lenten walk this year won't be so difficult, nor will it last so very long. It will be more contemplative and less survivalist. Last year my only goal was to "get through" Lent. This year I'll experience it.
Progress. Definitely.
Saturday, January 03, 2009
Yoga, Light and Other Good Stuff
This coming week, I start my regular yoga classes on Mondays and Wednesdays from 4:00 to 5:20. The timing is perfect. I still quiver a bit at the thought of going out after supper. Three years of hermit-hood stays with me despite efforts to change that particular pattern. I have a few evening events coming up, and I've had a few over the holidays, but I'm hesitant to do too much too soon. So, late afternoon yoga suits me just fine.
This morning was a freebie, open-house, test-it-out kind of day at the center where I'm taking the classes. It was awesome. I think I'm really going to enjoy it.
Over at the RevGal site, someone posted these lovely words written by Gerhard Frost:
Funny, isn't it, how the right words find you when you need them. Today, this "marvelous footnote" brings comfort, hope and blessing.
Breathing....breathing....breathing....
This morning was a freebie, open-house, test-it-out kind of day at the center where I'm taking the classes. It was awesome. I think I'm really going to enjoy it.
Over at the RevGal site, someone posted these lovely words written by Gerhard Frost:
If I am asked
what are my grounds for hope,
this is my answer:
Light is lord over darkness,
truth is lord over falsehood,
life is lord over death.
Of all the facts I daily live with,
there’s none more comforting
than this:
If I have two rooms,
one dark, the other light,
and I open the door between them,
the dark room becomes lighter
without the light one
becoming darker.
I know this no headline, but it’s a marvelous footnote;
and God comforts me in that.
Funny, isn't it, how the right words find you when you need them. Today, this "marvelous footnote" brings comfort, hope and blessing.
Breathing....breathing....breathing....
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