'Twas Ever Thus

You know how this goes, right? I whine and drip all week long about The Flu, thinking to myself, “Well, it’s a good thing I have a doctor’s appointment on Monday.” And today being Monday, you know the next part……

…I feel better. *sigh* ‘Twas ever thus. How much of an idiot do I look like when I see the doc and tell him how sick I was last week? Ya. I’m such a dork. The appointment was about another matter anyway, but still...

I’m on study leave and plan to get some Advent work done. I’m feeling pretty used up, mostly because of last week, but I’m not sure that’s the whole story. So, aside from a funeral on Thursday, I’ll be working at home in my jammies this week.

I’m finding it harder to bridge the gap between what I want to do and what I am able to do. I know I’m not alone in feeling that way. This is the story of every person you know, right? The gap has always been there for me, interrupting my life to at least some extent. I suspect it has to do with a persistant low-grade depression that not even super-meds can remedy.

I was a depressed kid. I can trace my first episode back to the age of eight, but the real clincher was in grade five when I was ten years old. The teacher sent me home because I came in from recess crying and after a half hour would not, could not, and did not stop crying despite all her efforts. I could not tell either the teacher or my mother what the problem was, because there wasn’t one. Depression doesn’t need a reason. I actually got in a fair bit of trouble over it - my poor mother didn’t know what to do with me. But in 1969, who was going to diagnose a ten year old girl with depression? No one. Exactly. I had a great family and my every need was met. I had nothing to be depressed about. We didn’t know then what we know now.

I wanted to be one of those kids that did all the sports and belonged to every group, but I didn’t have the energy. I enjoyed a lot of things, don’t get me wrong. I loved to downhill ski, but by noon, I would have gladly gone home. The best part of the day was getting home and having my mom’s chili, but that had nothing to do with my energy level and everything to do with Mom’s chili.

Even then I could see the gap. My friends always wanted to ride their bikes longer, play another game of baseball, or stay for the late movie. I always wanted to go home because I was tired.

My seemingly inherent energy deficit has affected my self-esteem. I always assumed I was lazy or stupid, neither of which is true; but when you hear that chorus playing in your own head for your entire life, it’s hard to avoid believing it. I just always felt I wasn’t as good as everyone else because I couldn’t keep up the pace.

Now I’m getting older and the gap is widening. I believe the gap for me is largely related to two factors: my depression and my introversion.

I can take on a big project, but I’ll need to recover my energy for several days, if not weeks, afterward. I know that I am a serious Introvert (INFJ) and that I restore my energy in solitude. I know that being with groups of people, as much as I love them, exhausts me. So when the balance between my “people” time and my “Sue” time tips too much toward the people side, I’ll pay a price. And it will take me longer to recover than it used to. Large crowds will always freak me out. I need 8-10 hours of sleep every night. I need to stay away from caffeine and gluten. It’s good that I know all this about myself, but it doesn’t change the widening gap between what I would like to do, and what I am actually capable of doing.

Discovering that other people were Introverts like me was incredibly liberating! I was in my 30s the first time I ever did the Meyers-Briggs test. It was part of a CPE unit I was taking and I was shocked to discover that all of the other participants were also introverts. It strikes me as odd that so many clergy are introverts.

It makes me wonder how it is that the one thing I simply must do with my life – ministry – is perfectly designed for your average extrovert? I have a very long list of things I would love to do in my ministry at Little Church on the Corner, some of which are pipe dreams and others which are more realistic. How do I reconcile the reality of the “gap” with all my hopes for this ministry? How do I convince myself that my best effort is good enough, when most days I know that it is not? How do I get through every week, every month, every year at LCotC knowing that they deserve a minister who can give them more?

I suppose the real question comes down to this: When will I stop demanding of myself what I won’t even ask of anyone else?