to dust....

Yesterday was Ash Wednesday.

I did not go to the service last night.

Why?

Well, the time came for me to leave and I just couldn't get myself out the door.

Two reasons.

1. Tonight is the beginning of (let's all say it together) - yes, Presbytery. *shudder* Don't get me wrong, I really don't mind Presbytery itself. I love the work of Presbytery, the support they provide for congregations and clergy alike. I understand that even the *yawn* financial reports and other less-than-riveting reports are necessary in order for us to be who we are as the United Church.

I get that.

I like my committee - the social justice committee - we do some really good work. This time around we have an excellent theme speaker, who happens to be a member of our congregation here at Little Church on the Corner. She will be speaking on the important topic of Dying with Dignity.

All of that is good, but our meetings are marathons. Tomorrow will be 12-13 hours depending on whether we stay on track with the order of the day. That is one seriously long time for me to spend in a room full of people. My introvert self starts begging for mercy about three hours in.....

Then we come back for more of the same on Saturday. Sunday too usually, but this time around I'll be here at LCotC.

In other words, my energy level right now can't keep up with my life. Thankfully my last headache treatment is holding better than any other so far - Yay! Even so, last night, something had to give. That something was the Ash Wednesday service which I wasn't leading. I'm pretty sure no one missed me.

2. I'm also a bit conflicted at times about Ash Wednesday. We United Church types, and I say this with all due respect, are not very good at dealing with the issue of sin. To add repentance into the mix makes more than a few UC types squirm, explaining the astoundingly low attendance when we did the service on our own. We had one Ash Wednesday service where everyone in the building had a role to play in the worship. Ya. It's so much better now that we share it with other churches.

It's not that we don't believe in sin. I think it's a matter of semantics more than anything. Even the most die-hard "what's up with that prayer of confession?" folks recognize that all of us fall short of our Creator's best hopes for us.

The United Church's doctrinal statements over the years have been clear that sin is part of the human condition and is eternally forgiven by God who created us in love and holds us in love. And yet....there is this vague sense of not wanting to dive into the slippery slope of "Worm Theology." Personally I don't believe that an admission of our human nature takes us all the way to "forgive me God, I'm no better than a slug" but some would disagree.

Our most recent statement of faith as a denomination is called "A Song of Faith." Here is what this poetic statement has to say about sin....

Made in the image of God,
we yearn for the fulfillment that is life in God.
Yet we choose to turn away from God.
We surrender ourselves to sin,
a disposition revealed in selfishness, cowardice, or apathy.
Becoming bound and complacent
in a web of false desires and wrong choices,
we bring harm to ourselves and others.
This brokenness in human life and community
is an outcome of sin.
Sin is not only personal
but accumulates
to become habitual and systemic forms
of injustice, violence, and hatred.

We are all touched by this brokenness:
the rise of selfish individualism
that erodes human solidarity;
the concentration of wealth and power
without regard for the needs of all;
the toxins of religious and ethnic bigotry;
the degradation of the blessedness of human bodies
and human passions through sexual exploitation;
the delusion of unchecked progress and limitless growth
that threatens our home, the earth;
the covert despair that lulls many into numb complicity
with empires and systems of domination.
We sing lament and repentance.

"A Song of Faith" is one of things I love the most about our United Church.

Last night, when ashes were being marked on foreheads everywhere, I was at home reading the above, knowing that God is okay with me having my own home-made worship to begin the long journey of Lent.

Made in the image of God, we yearn for the fulfillment that is life in God.

And so it begins. It's a long way to Holy Week, but we are not alone. God is us. Thanks be to God.

New Wheels!

No, we do not have a new car. Even better!!!!

P has a new wheelchair. I'm so happy for him, and so very thankful that he can have this wonderful chair. We are blessed with so much love and care - thankfulness doesn't quite cover how we feel.

I think the only person more excited than P and I this morning when the chair arrived was our Occupational Therapist. Apparently, OTs love designing wheelchairs. Who knew?

Anyway, here's the photo of the fancy wheels (just the wheels - I'll post a pic of the whole chair later). This is no ordinary set of wheels. They are the best of the best. The great thing about them is that they are specifically designed to be easier on P's hands. It is a manual chair because his upper body is still strong and using the manual chair will keep it that way for much longer than it would if he had an electric chair. He is adjusting to the different feeling of the chair after using the other for so many years, but it is so wonderful for him.

It's a good day. A blessed day.



Sweet!!!

Just Because...

Because some people say things in such an eloquent way, I feel a need to share...

This is from the To Write Love on Her Arms website. It is written by Jenny Lawson and really gets to the continuing stigma that hovers around depression.

If you follow me on twitter you already know that I’ve been battling off one of the most severe bouts of depression I’ve ever had. Yesterday it started to pass, and for the first time in weeks I cried with relief instead of with hopelessness. Depression can be crippling, and deadly. I’m lucky that it’s a rare thing for me, and that I have a support system to lean on. I’m lucky that I’ve learned that depression lies to you, and that you should never listen to it, in spite of how persuasive it is at the time.

When cancer sufferers fight, recover, and go into remission we laud their bravery. We call them survivors. Because they are.

When depression sufferers fight, recover and go into remission we seldom even know, simply because so many suffer in the dark…ashamed to admit something they see as a personal weakness…afraid that people will worry, and more afraid that they won’t. We find ourselves unable to do anything but cling to the couch and force ourselves to breathe.

When you come out of the grips of a depression there is an incredible relief, but not one you feel allowed to celebrate. Instead, the feeling of victory is replaced with anxiety that it will happen again, and with shame and vulnerability when you see how your illness affected your family, your work, everything left untouched while you struggled to survive. We come back to life thinner, paler, weaker…but as survivors. Survivors who don’t get pats on the back from coworkers who congratulate them on making it. Survivors who wake to more work than before because their friends and family are exhausted from helping them fight a battle they may not even understand.

Regardless, today I feel proud. I survived. And I celebrate every one of you reading this. I celebrate the fact that you’ve fought your battle and continue to win. I celebrate the fact that you may not understand the battle, but you pick up the baton dropped by someone you love until they can carry it again. I celebrate the fact that each time we go through this, we get a little stronger. We learn new tricks on the battlefield. We learn them in terrible ways, but we use them. We don’t struggle in vain.

We win.

We are alive.

TWHOLA - a great organization that has helped a lot of people. Good stuff...

Study Leave 2.0

Today marks the end of my final two weeks of continuing edcuation time for this year. I've been doing plenty of reading and relaxing - not a bad idea given that it's full speed ahead from now until Easter. I'm sermon-writing today, which explains the first blog post in a month. Seriously, show me one preacher who doesn't have a long list of "Look, Shiny!" distraction tactics. I like to think of it as a way of opening up that creative energy. Or maybe I'm just procrastinating.

I spent the first two days of my study leave in Toronto at the pain clinic. Same as last time: about 25 injections of Medicinal Botox. We also had a lovely visit with our son who lives out West for most of that week as well, which was great.

The first thing people tend to ask me after I return from the clinic is "Did it Work?" This is such a tough one to answer. It depends entirely on what one means by "work". The direction of the question is always a hopeful one. Kind and generous hearts are hopeful that once and for all, the pain is completely and permanently gone.

The answer is no.

On the other hand, after each treatment I get 3-5 months of greatly decreased intensity and frequency in the pain department. For me, at this point, that is what I call success. Is the pain gone entirely? No. Is it easier to cope with day to day? Yes. Do I still have bad days when light and sound, and frankly everything, makes the hot spike in the side of my head fire up a little more than usual? Yes. But not as often as I did before my clinic visit.

The good news: I can only have Botox every 4 months because, while approved for treatment, it is still a toxin. However, my pain doc has invited me to come back in between treatments as needed to receive a series of trigger point injections with lidocaine to tide me over. She used lidocaine for the first round to determine the location of my major trigger points and I had about 2 weeks of relief. In any case, it is good to have a back-up if that four month time frame is looking and feeling a bit too long.

Enough of that.

Because I didn't have to be up early in the morning for these weeks of study leave, I was able to catch my favourite band as they made the rounds of the late-night shows to coincide with the release of their second video.

First, there was Leno (apparently both Vanessa Hudgens and Daniel Radcliffe - they were the guests that night - are Evanescence fans and were quite starstruck). The song "My Heart is Broken":

Well, the Leno video isn't allowed in Canada, so I'll try the actual video...



Then there was Conan - "Made of Stone":



and a Conan bonus - "The Other Side" - they closed the Nashville show with this one.



Ok, back to sermonizing. Have a great day everyone!