Six Years

I know. I know. The last thing anyone wants to hear is yet another whiny post about my ever-inflamed-ice-pick-in-the-right-temple head pain. But for posterity alone, I thought I would mark the 6th, yes 6th, anniversary of the beginning of said pain with some kind of post.

In September 2005, right after Labour Day weekend and a lovely month of holidays, I woke up with the sharpest pain I've ever felt in my head. I was initially just surprised. I wasn't a person who experienced headaches. So, I took a few ibuprofen and a gravol for the overwhelming nausea. I decided to go to work, on the assumption that by the time I got there, the ibuprofen would have kicked in and I could get on with my day.

Not so much.

And here we are six years later. It's been quite a ride. The ibuprofen and gravol turned into numerous pharmaceutical cocktails, none of which had much of an impact. I've been from over the counter, to a brief period of 'old-skool' migraine meds, to the newest ones, and everything in between. Some were just ineffective. A few were nightmarish.

I presently take one prescribed med - Axert. It works about half the time, which is an improvement over the last triptan (ie migraine med) that I was on.

Aside from Axert (which I cannot take too often as it causes Rebound Headaches if taken to excess) - I take nothing else. I save the Axert for the worst of the worst of the worst nights, when I REALLY don't want to hit the ER.

My last ER visit was in 2009....not because I've had no pain since then, but because I will do almost anything I have to do in order to avoid the ER. Since 2005, I have made a total of 5 ER visits, all of which were made as a last resort when nothing else would push back the pain. I really resist taking up an ER bed if there is any way at all that I can manage at home. Sometimes that involves a very dark quiet room, LOTS of ice, and gravol. If I can push the storm away with that and avoid an ER visit, I feel oddly victorious.

Other than meds, I am blessed to have a family doc who is SO thorough that pretty much every rock that could be turned over has been turned over. Sometimes more than once. I've had all of the high-tech tests, seen several specialists, been approved for medically necessary massages on a regular basis (they really do help), and have had enough Cognitive Behavioural Therapy to teach the stuff. Seriously. I've got that part covered.

I've done physio, acupuncture, structural integration, massage, Reiki, Healing Touch, yoga and regular exercise. Yep, I've pretty much done it all.

Ok, I haven't seen a chiropractor. There's a good reason for that. I don't feel any need to explain that here.

My ever-present source of support and ice - my beloved - found a great clinic in Toronto about a year ago. The Rothbart Clinic has 14 CPS certified physicians who specialize in pain medicine. The policy of the clinic is that if you are using opiates of any kind, you cannot be treated there. They firmly believe that almost ANY other kind of treatment will be more effective. I heartily agree. I have been to the clinic twice now and will be returning again later this month.

My treatment will be trigger point injections with Botox (Medical - a very different formulation from the kind that rids one of wrinkles). The last visit involved just over 20 injections into my head and neck, resulting in about 4 weeks of greatly-reduced (if not absent) pain. This visit? More Botox. Results? We'll see.....

After all this time, here is what I know that I did not know in 2005:

* I have a combination of Intractable Migraine and Myofascial Pain Syndrome.

* Neither of the above came about because of anything I did or did not do. In other words, it's not my fault. That is HUGE for me. While it's true that excessive amounts of stress do not help my headache pain - stress did not CAUSE this wonky combination of symptoms and diagnoses. I am no more responsible for this pain than P is for his MS or Diabetes. It just is what it is.

* I don't know when - if ever - it will go away. At this point, I spend more time trying to be diligent about my self-care and much less time wishing it away.

Granted, there are times when the waves of pain and nausea are greater than my resolve, but mostly I just tough it out and keep on living.

What else is there to do? To give in to the despair and hopelessness that this kind of pain can induce is to allow it to win. I don't want to see that happen. I will stand nose to nose with this thing for as long as I'm taking in those deep relaxing breaths to fight it off. If I let my guard down and allow this Thing to define me, or to take me down, then it wins and I get lost down the rabbit hole (cf "Alice in Wonderland" written by migraine sufferer Lewis Carroll).

No way. I have waaaaaay to much in my life to be thankful for, to enjoy, and to celebrate..........

Yes, there will be times when my self-care takes a nose dive and I pay for it in pain. It happens. But I'll pick myself up and start over, and try to listen to my body when it screams at me by hammering at my right temple.

I think mostly what I've discovered over six years of this whole pain thing is that I am so very much stronger than I ever thought I could be.

No, it's not exactly the best way to find that out, but hey, it is what it is.

Six years, eh? Huh. Who ever would have thought?????