Strong

I watched this movie last weekend. It's called "Country Strong." I'm not necessarily a huge country music fan, but I do love Gwyneth Paltrow, so I watched it. This song, plus "Coming Home" are the best two songs on the soundtrack. I've read other reviews, but I think GP pulls this one off both in the acting and the singing department. I would buy her CD for sure if she had one.

What really struck me about the movie (and I won't give any spoilers away) was the main character's fighting spirit. She had so much working against her, so many mountains to climb, so many internal battles blazing away inside her at every turn....but somewhere in the midst of it all she had a glimmer of hope. A tiny glimpse of what she could still reach for, even in the hardest of times. So she reached. And when that didn't work, she did it again.

There were people around her who told her it was over. Give up, you've done your best, but it's over. There were others who did not see her brokenness, only her gifts. In between, were thousands who didn't know much about any of her actual life, only the veneer that her publicists and "people" allowed for public viewing.

I cannot imagine a life like hers. It's the last thing I would ever choose.

But on some level, I connected with her. It's taken me a week or so to figure out why this movie, as opposed to the others I've seen lately, has stayed with me. It's her strength in the face of SO many troubles and her ability to access that strength when everyone else says it's not there. How many people do you really know who can do that?

I know one.

Me.

I was raised to be typically Canadian and make as little of my own strengths as possible. I was raised to apologize when someone steps on my foot. It's the Canadian way. To be bold enough to actually *name* what your good at, what you've overcome, and how that resiliency makes you - oh goodness, but this is hard to type - proud of yourself......so NOT Canadian.

But you know what? I've been through a heck of a lot in almost six years. I've spent most of those days in the kind of pain that would undoubtedly send the average person to the nearest ER or walk-in. In six years, I've gone that route only five times. Otherwise, without the benefit of pain-killers (aside from otc's), I've just darn-well toughed it out.

Yes, I've had the odd repreive. Yes, I've become de-sensitized to pain. No, that doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt. It just means I go on living anyway.

It means I'm a lot stronger than I, or anyone else, ever suspected. It means I have a special perspective on clients and parishioners who live every day in pain. I want to wave a magic wand and make it go away for them. But I can't. I can only tell them to hang on. That we're tough. We're made of tough Canadian stock that is stronger and more resilient than the ice we live on for 8 months of the year.

Tonight my head doesn't hurt.

It's an odd feeling, to be honest. But it reminds me of days when the pain wasn't there. It reminds me that I've discovered a lot in six years. About myself. About the people around me. About strength, and how much it takes to access it in the deepest, darkest moments in life when we need it the most. I found out that "No" isn't an acceptable answer for me. I've found out that when one practioner has run out of ideas and is honest enough to say so, I am utterly respectful of that, and I move on to the next possibility.

I'm strong. And I'm much stronger because of my family support than I ever would have been alone. P has been amazing, along with my boys and extended family. I've been deeply blessed.

So I'm "Canadian Strong." That just is what it is. Today.

In another four months, I go for another set of injections. By the time that happens, I probably won't be back to daily pain, but a few days a week won't surprise me or my pain doc.

In the meantime, I'm giving myself a major pat on the back. Because I can. If anyone thinks that's too much like bragging, too un-Canadian, well....too bad.

For now, I'm going to do some stuff I couldn't do when my head was exploding and the Pain Monster had me in its grips. It's time to make up for some lost time.

And I'm strong enough to do that too.