Night Resolutions

These are the sort of New Year resolutions that one is likely to read the next morning and think "Well, at least it's only a blog post. I didn't buy some expensive online trinket that I don't need, and well, no one was harmed in the creation of this post. I probably killed off a few more brain cells, but such is life in the wee hours."

My late night resolutions for 2011:

1. Pray more.

2. Be more grateful. Sounds easy, right? I have a supportive and wonderful family. I have a job. I love my church. It's not perfect - but I love it anyway. I'm not perfect and they seem to like me well enough, so I guess we're a good match. I have a beautiful little girl kitteh who loves me, though she will deny it if you ask her. She has an attitude of utter superiority to maintain.

3. Have more pain-free days. More massages, and a possible trip to Toronto for a repeat Occipital Nerve Block. Hubby found an awesome clinic that is really committed to treating intractable migraine/headache pain without pharmaceuticals. I've done all the other stuff - the Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, the physical therapy, acupuncture, massage, spiritual therapy, psychiatric work, and even a referral to a recreational therapist (indicating only how exciting my life is - that I need a lovely twenty-something young lady telling me I need to get out more.) Ya. Kinda sad isn't it? The last ONB was effective for three months. I'm hopeful the next one will last even longer.

4. Exercise. Yes I know, everyone says this in January. But I've had my gym membership for about 18 months now and have made good use of it for the most part. I fell off the treadmill wagon once summer hit, but I've slowly been making my way back. Once the place clears out a bit in late January, I'll get back into making it part of my workday. I like going to the gym at the end of the day. There aren't many people and it's a great way to wind down after a busy day of church admin stuff, visiting, wedding or funeral planning....whatever the day brings.

5. Be Hopeful. In September it will be 6 years since the Pain Monster made its first introduction to me. It was, and remains, an unwanted guest at my life's table. Seriously Pain, you may leave anytime you like. You are so dead to me. I'm tired of talking about pain. I'm tired of thinking about pain. I'm tired of worrying about pain. I'm tired of telling every new doc, therapist, care provider, about my entire history. But I do it anyway because if I stop, it means I've given in and given up. It means the Pain has won. After all the rocks I've turned over to peek underneath for a way to fix my head, how can I give it up now and let It win? I can't.

6. Have Fun. I did pretty well with this one last year. I had a couple of fun trips to see concerts/performances and I found more ways to make my work both rewarding AND fun. I want to keep that up for this year.

7. Live Today. Pain makes me want to think too far ahead. It has since 2005. I feel it laughing at me when I do that. When those thoughts pop into my head like "What if it never goes away?" I can feel it winning the day and offering up an evil laugh at my expense. So my task, every day, is to live as abundantly and productively as I possibly can even in the context of daily pain.

8. Balance. I love Sundays. I also love Sundaes, but that's for another day (see number 4). I get energized on a Sunday morning in a way that I truly cannot describe. It is a sweet mystery that no matter how much pain I'm in when I arrive at the church, when I begin the service, the pain gets somehow "bracketed" and re-appears later in the day. But the truth is that for all the joy of a Sunday worship, if I overdo it, I pay for it in pain. That just is what it is. So I try to balance the constant flow of work demands with the constant need to be vigilant about my personal health. I'm no good to anyone when I'm nauseous from pain and in need of a dark room and some ice.

It's all about Balance.

9. Sleep. I'm going to try the bed again. This time, hopefully, with less tossing and turning. A fresh ice bag might help. Or sheer exhaustion. Either way would be fine with me. If someone would hit me on the head with one of those big ACME anvils from the Road Runner cartoons, that might work too.

Is it just me, or do I sound a tad desperate?

Ugh. Must. Sleep. Now.