Solid Walls Just Pretending

Maybe it's the spring weather. Maybe it was the profound ending to Lynne Greenburg's book The Body Broken: A Memoir. (No, I won't give away the ending, but it is empowering and inspiring).

Whatever the cause, today feels "different" somehow. Not because my head hurts a bit less (though that does help), but for some deeper, more existential reason. The scales are tipping toward the side where hope resides and despair fades quietly into the background. I think they call this acceptance. Over the past while, my head pain has returned and yes, I freaked out. Of course I did. No mere mortal who experienced the three years of hellish unrelenting pain that I did would have done anything but freak out. How could I not wonder if "IT" was back to stay?

Well, after several weeks, some good physio exercises and treatments, and local treatment options for trigger point injection, I'm feeling less resigned and more accepting, which I think is a good thing. I think the difference between the two is as wide as the ocean. The latter is empowering while the former is defeatist and deflating. I prefer the empowerment thankyouverymuch.

Here's what I think:

* I am a person who will, at least to some extent, always live in the shadow of remembered pain and the fear that it will return.

* Having no pain, ever, would be nice.

* That may not be possible for me.

* BUT I don't have to suffer as much or for nearly as long as I once did. Bonus!

* Everyone lives with something painful, be it physical, emotional or spiritual.

* Everyone deals with it in their own way.

* There is no "correct" way.

* I have made a choice to be honest about my pain when I have it.

* I have also made a choice to live well in spite of it.

* I have made a decision about my work life that I feel very peaceful about. It feels right and good and faithful.

* Pain will NOT be the central feature of my life.

* On the other hand, I will not hide behind stoicism. If I hurt and someone asks me directly "Are you hurting today?" - I will not dodge the question, or turn the focus back on the questioner, or lie. If I hurt - well, I hurt - and I will say so.

* I will, however, not stay there. I'm not interested in talking about my head anymore. I'm interested in living.

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The truth is, all of the headache sufferers and others who live with chronic pain will understand all of the above. Some folks will not, and that's okay too. I just need to be honest with myself and with those around me about a few limits that pain occasionally places in the way of things I want to do. That just is what it is.

"Then there were doors that wouldn't open unless you asked politely, or tickled them in exactly the right place, and doors that weren't really doors at all, but solid walls just pretending." (JK Rowling)

I don't want to be a solid wall just pretending. It certainly didn't work for me before, so why would I want to try it again? By grace, me and my sorry little head made it through hell and came out the other side pain-free. I believed it would last forever. It didn't. I may have set my hopes too high on that one, but what else got me through those three years but an abundance of hope (ok, and possibly a bit of stubborn determination)?

The good news is that my life is better. I have more pain-free days than not, and when I hurt, I have excellent people who will help me.

There's freedom in honesty. It's like stepping out into the sunshine after a very long dark winter.