Hope

Hope

Pain presents some interesting spiritual questions. I have been at this chronic pain thing for three long years now, so I am entirely over the standard hackneyed old dilemma of why bad things happen to God’s people. A lot of energy could be expended agonizing over why there is suffering in the world. A lot of my personal energy could be wasted wondering why my head hurts every single freaking day of my life.

I’m done with all of that. There is no spiritual reason for my pain. There is no greater purpose for it. If I happen to learn and grow from it all, that is all well and good, but I do not believe for one minute that God wants or needs me to experience this hell in order for me to become a better person. If that’s how God operates then that is not a God I can worship. Further, if there is any great wisdom I am going to ultimately gain from all of this suffering, I would rather do without it, thankyouverymuch.

My migraines simply are what they are. There is no grand purpose behind them. I’ve asked every question I can think of asking about them. I’ve asked it and done it all, and then some. Diet, alternative medicine, sleep regulation, hormone studies, stress management, western medicine, cognitive behavioural approaches, massage, and every test that might possibly give up a clue. If it’s out there, I’ve done it. I’ve seen one of the best headache specialists in the country and was blessed to spend a LOT of time with him discussing my case and all the possibilities that relate to it.
The rocks have all been turned over.

I have Migraines.

The specialist I saw recently, HeadacheDoc, gave me several options for treatment and pain management. However, on a psychological level, he gave me something I needed even more than a diagnosis and treatment options.

He gave me Hope.

Frankly, I was running a bit low on hope. I was living on fumes and my visit to the headache clinic topped me up with enough to get me through the trials of meds that the specialist has suggested. My heart literally skipped a beat or two when he said there were options for me. He gave me the best gift possible – something to hang my hope on, or what was left of it.

Funny. In my personal profile on this blog I use several descriptors of myself, one of which is “Peddler of Hope.” I’ve sat by so many bedsides, ICU hospital rooms with machines wheezing in the background, and funeral home sitting rooms with people who needed someone, anyone, to relay a morsel of hope that might sustain them through their dark night.

I haven’t provided that hope.

God has.

By the power and grace of the Holy Spirit, I have been blessed to stand on holy ground with good people in their darkest hour and speak a word of hope to them. Mostly I have pointed people toward the strength that God has given them to endure their pain. Mostly I remind them that they are not alone and that they are loved. God has provided the hope they need. I’ve simply been blessed to be a part of the miracle of seeing it happen.

When I have needed those morsels of hope myself over these three years and in recent months, I have found them in many places. In my beloved Pillar, all of my family and friends, my loving and faithful congregation, my RevGal blogging sisters and brothers of faith, fellow headache bloggers who remind me that I’m not alone on this odyssey, my Wonderful Therapist who has thrown me numerous life-rings at exactly the right times, and of course, the Holy Spirit who always has my back.

I have a hard time praying these days. Oh, I say my prayers for those people I know to be in need of God’s presence and power. I say prayers for Mother Earth who needs healing and respect. I say prayers for my cats and all animals who make the earth a better place to live. I pray for Pillar and my sons, my family and the people I love the most.

Then I get stuck.

I suppose I could pray every day for God to take away the pain, but I don’t. I’ve even stopped feeling guilty about not praying every day. For me, that’s huge progress. God knows what I want, what I need, and what I wish for every minute of every day. I want my life back. I want my joy back. I want my ministry back. I want to go back to being a peddler of hope, not a desperate seeker for any crumbs of hope I can find under the table.

God knows all of that. I don’t need to constantly remind her of it.

Even in my spiritual drought, a few passages of scripture thread through my life and at times become the very thread that keeps me grounded in those crumbs of hope that come my way. One of them comes from the Apostle Paul (with whom I continue to have a tumultuous relationship):

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans 8: 38-39)

These days I feel like I’m spiritually floundering at best. My energy goes toward living through unbearable pain from minute to minute. I don’t pray without ceasing. I don’t rejoice in the Lord always. I don’t always know where God is. I feel so spiritually frail. And yet, on some deep level that reaches beyond my understanding, I feel what Jen reminded me of recently, that “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."

By the grace of God and the power of the Holy Spirit, I will get through this. I am so deeply blessed in my life. My partner who loves me and makes me laugh when I need it the most, my sons who make me proud and warm my heart, my in-laws who own my heart and give me life, my family and my friends who show me what grace means – for all these and so many more, I need to get back to the life I am called to live. I have something to help me do that.

Hope.

Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice. Let your gentleness be known to everyone. The Lord is near. Do not worry about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, beloved, whatever is true, whatever is honourable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is pleasing, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence and if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. Keep on doing the things that you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, and the God of peace will be with you.

I can do all things through him who strengthens me. (Philippians 4: 4-8, 13)

Let the people say:

Amen.

(photo credit: bunkham2008)