My Brave and Hopeful Heart

If you're just tuning in, I am now on medical leave. For how long, I'm not sure. Worship this morning was gift and grace. I kept myself in "I'm a professional" mode for most of the service. I pulled it off until the serving of communion. Got through the liturgy, but serving was even more emotional than usual. It's so intimate. Many folks touched my hand as it held the cup and told me they would miss me. I was serving with someone from my M&P committee and at one point she touched my arm and told me I was okay - and I was.

Of course I was. And I am. I'll be fine. I just need some time to regroup. Here is part of my post from Friday if you're catching up.

Yesterday was pretty tough. I made the decision to take some medical leave and give my body and soul time to heal. I've been bearing up under the weight of so much pain for so long and I simply can't bear it up anymore. I feel spent and exhausted down to my core. My first reaction was to feel like I have failed. I've fought this battle with pain using every weapon in my physical and spiritual arsenal. It felt as if the pain had finally won.

But it hasn't.

I still have hope on my side. Hope that I'm going to get better and that one day, the pain will be gone. Hope that I will find better ways to manage the pain so that I can live more fully and abundantly.

I love my ministry and hate the thought of letting the congregation down in any way, which is why I have endured working with pain for two and a half years. Yesterday's revelation: So far, everyone who has heard me say, "I need some time off to get better" has practically applauded at the news.

Light bulb: Maybe the love that I feel for our congregation flows both ways (I've always known that part). But maybe, just maybe, they need to do their ministry for me as much as I need to care for them. Maybe right now that ministry takes the form of giving me time and space to be healthy and strong.

I felt overwhelmingly relieved once I met with our ministry and personnel committee and had their support. The Presbytery pastoral relations convenor was also a deep blessing in a sea of confusion and tears yesterday. It's all good. It's the right thing to do. No one is going to be disappointed in me for surrendering to the needs of my body and soul right now. Quite the opposite. God is smiling.